Thursday, October 12, 2017

Tell Me A Story

There was a moment in time.  I was more broken than usual.  I had completely lost site of how to climb out of the hole. I had completely lost site of how to ask for help.  He was there, because that is who he is.  The little things are forgotten or neglected in the fray of too much activity, but when the big things happen he is there.  Coming up trumps just in the moment when you need him the most. 

I didn't have the words to express the pain, give vent to the grief.  The pain kept getting larger until I had no more capacity to contain it and it had to bubble over into the lives of those who loved me enough to see me through. Mostly just in the form of tears, but there was something different, something more that I needed from him. 

I watched him sitting there cross legged next to me.  Busy doing something that I, selfishly, had absolutely no interest in hearing about.  I could see him every time I opened my eyes.  I knew that it was love and not obligation that kept him there.  There were probably half a dozen other places he should have been, but for me, and for the grief we shared, he made the time.

Not for the first time I didn't know how to say what was inside me. I felt the overwhelming gratitude that he deserved, but there were no words that were big enough.  No matter how much he had always given to me I needed something more.  As I lay there the words came unbidden to the surface.  "Please tell me a story".  That was it, just that one simple plea. He looked up with those beautiful eyes, surprised, like someone had dumped cold water on his head.  Then the best man that I have ever known started talking.  He told me stories till I slept.  Never questioning the insanity of my request.  Just loving me the way he always had, and always would.

No matter how much has passed since or what griefs I may have had, I will never forget the man I love, that moment in time, and his story.

Rose

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Mental Illness Lies

There is a voice.  It isn't telling me to kill people and I am aware that it isn't real.  Still, there is a voice.  It tells me all kinds of things about myself.  It has convinced me that I deserve to be alone, that everyone I love wants nothing to do with me, that I am the most pathetic person on earth, that all the nice things people do and say are just for pity and no one really loves me, that I deserve to die.  The voice has a name, it is called mental illness. 

It has fancier titles like Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder, but at the end of the day it is mental illness.  I am just one of the myriad of people who hear the voice.  It sounds a little different for everyone.  It ruins relationships and isolates to the point of utter despair.  There are many things that can help quiet the voice but it will never totally go away. 

I have the voice but I also have some incredible gifts.  I have a large capacity for love, kindness, gentleness, giving, and loyalty.  I also have the ability to turn a phrase and entertain with words.  Even if no one reads this or is the least bit entertained by it, I can use my gifts to take some of the power from the voice.

If you have loved me there is a good chance that there was a time that you were confused by me and questioned my belief, dedication, love, and possibly even my sanity.  Please know that I have loved even when I could not stop doubting.  Even when the voice is the only thing that I can hear, my heart still loved.  I have also learned.  Most importantly I have learned that the voice lies.  Now when I hear it I usually have the strength to tell it to shut up, but there is a side effect. 

I need to hear your reassurance, loudly and often.  I am terribly insecure because sometimes it is hard to know the difference between the voice and reality.  It doesn't mean I don't believe in you.  Actually if I am spending the time to find out about what you really mean I believe and love you a great deal.  Whether you have loved me, or someone else that has the voice there are a few things you should try to remember. 

If they have told you that they love you it is because they do. They are doing the best they know how to do.  They need to hear from you, love, commitment, kindness, as well as concerns about things they do or say.  Communication can make the voice a lot quieter.  Most important, at least for me, keep telling them and yourself that the voice lies.

Rose 

Friday, August 25, 2017

Yes I Really Did That

Yes I really did that stupid thing.  Yes I did actually think it through.  Yes I truly believed it was a good idea.  Yes I am an idiot.

The problem is that at 42 I can no longer use that excuse.  I made those choices and whether I am an idiot or not I now have to live with the consequences. I hurt people I love.  Lots of them.  I even manage to destroy a relationship that survived 27 years, drugs, alcohol, affairs, a miscarriage, and all of my varied insanity.  Yes I managed to destroy that.

Yes I really did that.  Now I wish I could take it back.  Doesn't work that way.  Now what happens is I get to live with that.

Rose

Monday, July 31, 2017

Purge

When I come back from out of town there are always about a million things that are floating around in my head that I didn't get around to saying, or asking.  I figure if I write them all down then I don't have to carry them with me and wonder about them constantly.  So here goes.


  1. I don't want to be the girl you describe by saying, I love her to death and I've known her forever but the sex isn't really that great.
  2. What exactly does, "I have made a commitment to you" mean?
  3. Does it bother you that you always pay for everything, because it makes me feel like an ass.  Less so if what you are paying for is liquor, but still.  I totally get that you are in a much better financial place than me for many reasons, but I am 42 years old, you would think I could pay for my own coffee by now. 
  4. When they told me I had cancer for the third time it wasn't half as terrifying as hearing you say that you would totally dump me if Donna asked you to, I totally get it and I even agree, but it hurt a really lot.
  5. I was shocked as hell when you told me you talked to her about me moving in with you.  The concept had never even occurred to me.  I am incredibly flattered that you gave it serious enough consideration to talk to your girlfriend. 
  6. I want you to help me meet people, specifically people in the BDSM community, for two reasons.  You know most of the best people and if you are going to do it you should do it with the best. Second, I am smart enough to know that I could get myself in serious trouble meeting strangers and I know you will keep me safe.  If  you don't want that responsibility you should be completely honest with me.
  7. You are incredible at taking care of me, even from five hours away.  I don't say it nearly enough, but thank you.
  8. All the other ones are logistics, important logistics but just logistics, this one is the important one.  I know I say it but just so you know.  I LOVE YOU.
Hopefully that will hold my insane brain together for a little while.

Rose

Saturday, July 22, 2017

The Things I Haven't Told to The Man I Tell Everything

I am not terribly proud of it but most of my relationships are not even remotely based on trust, love, or honesty.  Don't get me wrong, I don't lie about who I am and what I do as a rule. However, I usually give people what they think they want me to be.  My personality has many different sides so most of the time I just use the side that fits the person I am with.  Slut, caretaker, innocent, ingenue, etc., etc.  I also don't volunteer information with most people.  So although I have always been honest about who I am they actually know very little about me, how I feel, or the struggles that I have.

Like most things in life there is an exception.  He has always been, mostly, transparent with me.  Well with pretty much anyone.  When he was an asshole the one thing you can say is that he was an honest asshole.  I have no doubt that he will always be honest with me, even if it hurts me, a lot.  He is the only person that I know who is truly open minded.  Lots of people claim to be, but then they find out things about you and the judgement begins.  Not him, I have never felt judged by him.  As a consequence of this I have always just effortlessly told him the truth about me.  I don't hold anything back, even if it hurts him, a lot.

Except that now it is different.  I am twenty years older, I have had four kids, I have a frightening number of health problems.  All of this leads to truths about me that are mortifying to me.  Although I know that he still wouldn't judge me for anything, especially health issues, I am terrified that he will just instinctively be turned off by these things.  That I will no longer be beautiful and compelling to him. If I said this to him I know what he would say.  He would use that, I can't believe I have to say this out loud, tone of voice and he would tell me that none of my medical issues would ever change the way he feels.  I know that is true, but you cannot always control what your instinctive reaction is to something.  I don't know if I will ever tell him all this but I need to purge my system of it so...

Deep breath and here we go

I have chronic renal failure.  My kidneys are progressively dying.  This isn't a new truth.  I have told him this before.  The symptoms of this disease are what I have been hiding.  The almost constant pain that runs through my back and into my urinary system.  The fact that I get bladder infections after every single time that I have sex.  The fact that I have to take medication after every time I have sex to prevent my urinary system from shutting down completely.  Plus the one that is hard even to type, I am about 40% incontinent.  Dear god that is hard to say, even if I am just saying it to myself.  Due to the general toxicity of my system I also have horrible skin.  One of the biggest reasons that I am considering not doing chemo is because it would finish my kidneys off for good.  They will do that soon enough on their own, they don't need any help.

I have aplastic anemia.  Which means that my blood marrow is not making enough red blood cells.  The only real side effects of this particular problem is that I am pale, have weak muscles, and dizzy spells.  The real problem is that I have to occasionally have blood transfusions and eventually I will have to have a bone marrow transplant if I want to keep living.

The cancer probably has the least amount of side effects.  The treatment truly is worse than the disease.  As I read this it sounds like a pathetic attempt to get attention even to me, but that isn't what this is.  I need for him to know everything.  He was always the person I could tell anything to.  It has been hurting me that I was keeping most of this from him, at least the embarrassing parts.  I need to be able to be completely honest or this isn't going to work.  I know this reads like a desperate bid for attention, but I don't want attention because of the things that are wrong with me.  I want acceptance for the things that are wrong with me and attention because of the things that are right and because of love.

Now the only question is whether I will be brave enough to send him the link.

Rose

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Acceptance

I am struggling with something.  Okay, that is way too simplistic.  As is usually the case, I am struggling with lots of things all at the same time.  The difference is that this time most of what I am struggling with can be summed up in one word.  Acceptance.

I am good at acceptance of the big things.  Freedom of speech means freedom of speech, even if I think that you are evil and horrible, that is your right.  What form your private life takes is all about you and I am good with it.  Most of the time I am even completely good with learning all about something new to me.  Short of injuring someone else, how you make your money is between you and your god.  As rule I am good at the big, broad strokes of the concept.  It is the personal and specific things that I am having a problem with.

I can't change what people want, specifically what they want from a relationship with me.  I tend to have one of two types of relationships.  Either the other person is way more into me than I am into them, or I am way more into someone than they are into me.  The latter of the two happens more the older I get.  However, that is NOT the situation that I am struggling with now.  I am in a relationship where the attraction and emotional connections are fairly equal on both sides.  The acceptance problem comes when you start to talk about expectation.

I am bad about expecting too much too soon, but this may be bigger than that.  I naturally expect for him to be my Top, in the way that he was before, but also in a bunch of ways that would be new for both of us.  It starts with the fact that he naturally takes good care of me, he always has.  Then you add the fact that he challenges me, he guides me through new things, he corrects me when I am being irrational, impatient, or just a pain in the ass. He soothes my soul and challenges my intellect. I can lean on him, learn from him, and enjoy him. At this point in my life I would, not only benefit, but also thrive in this type of relationship. I am not certain that any of this is unreasonable.  Now I need to erase all these expectations from my mind and accept the wonderful I have.  Acceptance is hard.

I am sick.  I have several conditions that can be life threatening, and are certainly affecting the way I live my life.  Sick isn't something I can change.  I can do all the things that are required of me to try to make me healthier, but ultimately I have absolutely no control over what is happening to my body and my life.  Now I have to accept that it is, what it is.  Now I have to accept that I can only do so much.  Now I have to accept that my life will be altered and possibly shortened.  Acceptance is hard.

I write this blog to get everything out of my head so I can try to make sense of it.  Not sure that it is possible to make more sense of these things.  They are what they are and the best thing I can do is accept them, and that is what I am struggling with.

Rose

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Lazy and Demanding

First the entirely too wordy preface.  Half of me thinks labels are ridiculous.  People are never only one thing.  They don't like or dislike any one thing.  Every person demonstrates traits differently.  It is impossible to describe someone accurately, or know them thoroughly, from just the labels attached to them.  Half of me thinks that labels are awesome.  I can use one word, instead of a whole paragraph, to communicate to a whole community of people something about my psyche and what makes me tick.  I can find people who may identify with my desires and interests.  Plus, and I get how this makes me a little crazy, I feel safe knowing that I belong.

Having said all that, I identify myself as a sub and very occasionally a slave.  I feel safest and happiest when I have someone who takes care of me.  Keeping a handle on my destructive behavior, guiding me to the place where I am honest and open, allows me to take responsibility for my behavior without shame or emotional abuse, guides me through things that I find terrifying into pleasure, is willing to do all the physical things that keep me balanced and demonstrate the consequences of my actions.  There is more but that should give the basic idea.

The question here is, does all of this make me a sub or does it just make me lazy and demanding?  Do I identify myself in this way so that I don't have to do anything or take any responsibilities in relationships?  Am I just looking for someone to take all the burden that should be shared between two people in a relationship?  Am I never going to be satisfied with any relationship because no one will be able to provide everything that I want in a relationship?

I don't want to be lazy and demanding.  I really do see submission as a gift.  Perspective is sometimes hard to achieve when you are looking at it from your own angle.  I wonder, will the people that know me best have the answers to some of these questions, and if they do will they be honest with me?  If the worst is true, how do I even begin to fix these things?

So, am I submissive or am I lazy and demanding?

Rose ;)


Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Women

Women are beautiful. No matter the size, no matter the style. They are all beautiful.

I am most attracted to the ones with curves. They are soft, they feel fabulous, and they are absolutely gorgeous. I am enjoying appreciating.

http://www.rebelcircus.com/blog/11-alternative-plus-size-women-rockin-killer-edgy-style/

Rose ;)

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

Self-Centered

What does self-centered look like?

Is it my need to have someone acknowledge everything I say?  Is it my desire to have constant reassurance from the people I love?  Is it my expectation to be the center of someone's universe exactly when I want them?  Is it the way that I constantly try to impress?  Is it the justification of my bad behavior?  Is it all these things?  Is it everything that I have become?

I am hurting someone that I love.  This has created two thoughts. First is that I love him and don't want someone to be hurting him even if it is me.  This thought makes me want to say that he would be much better off without me, especially right now.  I feel like I should tell him that I am going to walk away, because I love him, and maybe some day I can come back the person he deserves to have in his life.  This is my love for him that says he deserves the best life he can possibly have and I am not that right now.

The second thought is that I desperately don't want to loose him.  It is physically painful to think about him not being in my life.  He comforts and challenges me and those are two things that are damn near impossible to find in the same person.  I am a better person with his influence in my life. He has made being really sick not quite so bad, even bearable.  I could spend days just silently looking in his eyes.  I have never had conversations with anyone that I enjoy as much as I enjoy talking to him.  His voice soothes my soul.  This is my love for myself saying that I need him for my selfish reasons.

Does he get anything out of this relationship?  Am I just too difficult to merit keeping me around? Am I even capable of being a person of substance anymore?  Is it really the emotional turbulence that makes these undesirable qualities so prevalent?  Am I strong enough to do the right thing?  What is the right thing?

I have no idea what self-centered looks like, but I am afraid it might look like me.

Rose


Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Go Ahead and Roll Your Eyes

When I am not all that into someone, whether I never did or I have lost the love I once had, they tend to get on my nerves.  These days means I roll my eyes when they call, text, message.  At one time it went so far that I would completely avoid them until they got the point and went away. I have never felt that way, or at least responded that way, to any one who I wanted in my life.  I am now wondering if most the people who know always roll my eyes when I call or text, even if they still want me in their life.

The people that are part of my life are the best people that there are.  They are kind, considerate, smart, talented, and just plain amazing.  I have gods that have stepped to earth as friends.  They would not in a million years tell me something that they thought might hurt me.  They would tell me the truth, but not if it was just something that was just a little irritating.  It would have to be a major character flaw or something that would hurt me in the long run for them to risk damaging me.  This is one of the incredible things about them, but it can become problematic.  I will never know if they find me annoying when I talk to much, which I do a lot, or text really stupid things, which I do occasionally, or even the never ending inane Facebook posts.

I don't want to be that girl.  I desperately don't want to be the girl whose friends internally roll their eyes every time they see my name on their phone or when I start talking endlessly about something.  So here are my choices as I see them.  I can forget it completely and just let things go the way they always have.  I refuse to simply ignore something that I know to be a real character flaw, so that is one option down.  I can stop texting and calling my friends to give them some space and hopefully they will see that I am making an effort and I actually may be less annoying, but I don't want to stop talking to my friends.  I could ask them to tell me every time I am annoying, but they love me enough not to do this.

So where does that leave me? Basically it leaves me rolling my eyes because writing all of this and accomplishing nothing is a really annoying thing that I do.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Addiction and Cancer

I have been addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth, heroine, oxy, cutting, food, shopping, sex and people.  By far the most painful addiction is people.  Heroine almost ruined my life, but it didn't break my heart.  You need a living breathing person to have your heart broken.

The first person who broke my heart was my mother.  She did it so thoroughly that I built a solid steel wall between my heart and the rest of the world.  I could feel some but there was no chance the I was ever going to be in love.  I formed attachments, but not any that I couldn't walk away from.  I was the queen of picking up and walking away at a moments notice.  I was addicted to finding something new and I left a trail of hearts in my wake.  It never occurred to me that I was hurting anyone.  It never occurred to me that they could be in love with me when I wasn't in love with them.  I left a lot of really good people behind.

Then, at 25, I got cancer for the first time.  Being told that you might be murdered by a disease at 25 can change everything about you.  I didn't instantly change but I certainly grew up.  Then, at 29, I got cancer for the second time.  Everything changed, I saw people as people, I cared what I was doing to others and finally I was capable of falling in love.  It was then that I learned what all those people whose hearts I had broken felt when I disappeared. I started to live with, and deal with the pain and guilt from all those years when I felt nothing.

They told me I couldn't have any more children.  I was blessed with two more beautiful, wonderful, amazing babies.  Having them almost killed me and no one thought I should go through with it, but for the first time someone else was more important to me than me. This is when I learned what real love meant.  I also learned that love hurts, a lot.  I got to feel what happens when your heart breaks.

I am 42, and I was just diagnosed with cancer for the third time.  I can not even put into words how terrified I am.  I have aplastic anemia, kidney disease, and cancer. I know who I am and I know what I want in my life for whatever life I may have left.  Now I am learning what it feels like to need people that don't need me.  I have absolutely incredible friends.  These are the best people to ever walk the planet, but these people have lots of life in their lives.  I have become the one who is needy, high maintenance, and dependent. I am the complete opposite of what I was at 25.

So now I take some space, I look at my life and I realize, it takes a living breathing person to have your heart broken.

Rose

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Oh That Sound...

I am a visceral person.  Touch, smell, sound are all inexorably linked to places, people, feelings.  It has become really obvious to me in the last week or so that I will never be able to rid myself of these associations.  Honestly, I don't really want to.  I love the feeling that I get in my stomach when I hear a belt come out of belt loops.  I literally throb and get wet when I hear the sound of a butterfly knife.  These sounds bring up people and places, memories of things that I am pretty sure I don't want to get rid of. Some are good, some are bad, but all of them have had a significant part in shaping me into the person I am today.  I like the person that I am right now.  I am certainly not perfect.  There are lots of things that I am going to continue to work on improving.  However, I like me.  I don't know if this makes me crazy or sick, but I don't want to get rid of my memories.  I love the way that sound feels.

Rose

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Fear

Last night a very little thing happened that made me absolutely terrified.  I went to a whole new level of fear.

Vincent went to mow the lawn for his aunt.  This is an example of how he is just awesome.  He really does think about how he can do for the people he loves.  I knew that he was going, and when he does this he usually leaves his phone in the car to charge and I know this as well.  Earlier in the day however I asked him to text me when he got to his aunt's house so I would know he was ok.

Several reasons for this.  He drives a truck for a living and that is inherently dangerous, his car is a piece of crap and I am just waiting for it to give out, and he is almost always home by four because he starts at five in the morning and I just needed to know he was ok if he wasn't going to be home.

Well the inevitable happened and he forgot to text and left his phone in his car.  Then it took him a longer than normal amount of time for him to mow.  So I am at home wondering if he is ok and getting more and more worried.  By six I was convinced that he had an accident and that is why he hadn't contacted me.

I completely freaked out.  I was crying and hyperventilating and I just could not calm down.  First I thought about the horrible idea of a world without him and then I thought about what would happen to me and our babies without him.  I was in full horror swing.  I left him a voice mail cursing him out and going on a full on rant.  (Yeah I know, not pretty)  When he did call me I interrupted what he was trying to say and asked him if he was ok.  When he said he was I told him to never f***ing talk to me again and hung up on him.  When he got home I went on a full on hour long rant.  He had worked since 5 and mowed the lawn but I didn't care how tired, hot, hungry, or dirty he was I was going OFF.

He was absolutely nothing but contrite.  He kept apologizing and telling me he knew how scared I was and how much he loved me and how sorry he was.  I did eventually calm down and we talked about it.  It was very late and we were both exhausted (him from hard work and me from being a complete freak) but we got it worked out and got past the hurt and fear.

So we have dealt with what he did.  It is completely over and behind us and I will not bring it up again.  We have not dealt with what I did.  It was really late and it was not an appropriate time for us to deal with that.  Tonight we need to deal with my disrespect for him, not taking care of me, exposing my kids to my insanity, and my whole general attitude.

My hope is that he will NOT go lightly on me because of his contrition for what he did.  In my mind they are separate issues.  We dealt with one and it is done.  It has NO bearing on the issue we have to deal with now.  I am going to tell him this and then I AM (yes I really am) going to accept how he wants to deal with it.

So either I am going to have to deal with a very serious spanking that is going to REALLY suck or I am going to have to emotionally deal with him letting it go.  I was going to say that I am not sure which would be harder but I am pretty sure it will be him letting it go.  Maybe I am insane.

;p

Monday, August 11, 2014

Finally Defining Punishment

Several things have happened lately that have made me do some rethinking.  First, (mostly for Vincent) I want to say that this is about my head space, how I am made, and what I need.  This is absolutely not about what Vincent is doing or not doing.  Yes it involves the spanking that he gives, but he is not wrong.  This is just an evolving process, and to be honest I have not been very forthcoming about my thoughts.

So the other night I got really upset with Vincent and refused to let him spank me, (not the right choice, ever) then I have told him several times that spanking is not a joke and it feels like that is how he is taking it, and there was a spanking that Vincent thought was very severe and honestly it would fall into the "good girl spanking" category for me.

I did eventually agree to and got the spanking that I had refused.  It was not pleasant. When he uses Z the spanking is never pleasant.  I would not ever put Z into the "good girl spanking" category.  It is most definitely punishment and it always hurts.  I have decided that this isn't about the pain in my butt, but the space in my head.   Even though it hurt and I wanted it to stop I also knew that I needed it to go on so that it got past the pain in my butt and then past the brick wall in my head.  Vincent is kind, loving, and just doesn't want to hurt me.  He is wonderful and I DON'T want to change this about him.  However, for the sake of him and my kids there are things I HAVE to change.  For whatever reason this thing called Domestic Discipline is the best way for me to change. (Why my mind works that way is a subject for a completely different blog.)

Yesterday I sent him a text telling him that I thought I needed a long session over his knee with the paddle to put me in the right head space for the week and give me something to think about when making choices.  Vincent totally stepped up to the plate and gave me what I asked for.  In my head the spanking I got last night with the paddle would qualify as a "good girl" or "foreplay" spanking.  Vincent did nothing wrong.  I have a high pain tolerance, hard butt, and hard brick wall in my head.  Add to that the fact that he is careful that he doesn't hurt me and we reach an impasse.

This impasse is my fault.  Because of my embarrassment and because I am still working this all out I have not been open enough about how I feel about spanking.  I have been incredibly tentative when trying to talk to him face to face about this whole thing.

Up until now the "good girl" or "foreplay" spankings have been on the front of my body and basically teasing in nature.  These are awesome and I don't want them to stop.  However, I have never told him that him telling me to get on my knees and alternating spanking so it hurts (not like Z, but like the paddles or maybe some leather) and fucking me from behind makes me wet and throbbing.  These kind of spankings can and should be fun, they can include joking and teasing, they can include attitude adjustment, role affirmation, reminders of rules, maintenance and some behavior correction.  In my mind punishment is completely different.

Punishment is not a joke and isn't open to teasing.  Punishment is a consequence of bad behavior and a deterrent to future bad behavior.  I should think about it, shudder and vow to never experience punishment for that reason again.  Punishment should not be in a comfortable position like laying on the bed, but something directly associated with punishment like over the knee.  To me putting me over the knee means, "I am putting you here because you are in trouble and I am going to have to hold on to you because you are going to want to run away from what I am going to do to you."  Punishment should include tears, more pain than you can tolerate, marks, bruises, genuine heartfelt remorse, restraint by hand or ties of some sort so I can't move away, and lots of pain in the butt the next day.

Okay, here is the admission that I do not want to make.  The punishment spankings I got as a kid are what punishment spankings should be.  I would never spank my children.  Not ever for any reason.  Kids are growing, they are small, they are vulnerable, they should be able to trust their parents completely.  However, for me, a consenting fully grown adult, punishment should be baaaad.

There are several reasons I haven't opened up about this.  I was embarrassed.  I am still figuring it out myself.  I am not insane (no, really, I'm not) so I don't look forward to putting in place a punishment that fits the bill and know that I will get it at some point.  I am going to be better, and I know that this can work.

Having said all that I will said that relationships are not all about one person.  What happens next depends on how Vincent feels about all this.  I know he isn't going to enjoy truly punishing me.  He is not sadistic.  He has no desire to really hurt me and doing so it going to be incredibly hard for him.  If it is not something that he can do then I will accept that and we will work it out together.  Now I just have to be brave enough to tell him.

;p

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Ouchy, Stingy, Yucky Implements and Why They Are Excellent

We have smallish kids and very close neighbors.  This means that we have to use quieter implements.  We used to use only implements that were close to silent.  Vincent has gotten over what the neighbors think to a certain extent and we have discovered that our kids would sleep through a brass band playing in their bedroom.  So, we do have some paddles now that are not as silent but still not real loud.

Vincent almost always uses these paddle type things for almost all spankings (except the sexy ones, which is another post entirely).  They are fine, but I have noticed something.  I have a hard butt and an even harder head.  I have honestly not had a spanking that made any real impact since he put away the nasty, ouchy, stingy, yucky silent implements.

He did it mostly because I asked him to.  Ok, ok, if I am completely honest I used guilt to get him to stop using them.  I did a really bad thing.  I told him that it was possible to injure me with those implements and then said, "You don't want that do you?"

Yeah, I know, it was horrible.  I suppose, technically, it is within the vast realm of very unlikely possibilities that those implements might possibly injure me.  Here is the problem.  I know very well that he would never, could never, injure me.  In the wrong hands the silent implements could injure but so could every other implement, and his hands are definitely not the wrong hands.

Here is the even worse part.  I knew all of this was true when I got him to stop using them.  I know that punishment is supposed to hurt.  It is supposed to hurt past the point where it isn't really a big deal.  It is supposed to be painful enough that I am sorry and I am thinking about it for a while.  I am not supposed to be looking forward to a punishment spanking, for the spanking itself.  I do look forward to putting the disobedience behind us and the closeness, but I really should be dreading the spanking part.  It is not supposed to be sexy and well within my tolerance level.

I am sure that there are people that disagree with me here, and that is fine, but this is about me.  For me a punishment spanking should have me begging and crying.  It is the only way that it is going to have the desired impact and help me in the way I need it too and the way he wants.

The truth is that the paddles should probably be used for warm ups and maintenance.  Punishment should be done with Z (horrible plastic coated wire hangar loop) and the tilt wand (the turny stick thing off the mini blinds).  He is not ever going to injure me, it just isn't possible.  I made him feel wary and guilty and it has had the consequence that he has been made ineffective.

Not only was I unfair, I told a bold face lie.

To Vincent:

I am so sorry.  I should never have done this to you.  I hope you can forgive me, and more important, get past the feelings that you could possibly injure me.  You couldn't.

;p

Irritating and Needy vs. Desired and Productive

Vincent and I communicate differently.  He is concise and brief, a decide and move on kind of guy.  I talk things to death and then continue to beat them until they are a gelatinous puddle.  Combine that with the fact that we have had times in our relationship when we really didn't want to say anything to each other and it creates a problem with me internally.

We have really been focusing on communication and one of his big things is that I cannot shut down on him.  I have to tell him what is going on in my head and heart.  When I don't tell him things I get bitter and nasty.  The problem is that I always question whether he actually wants to hear what I have going on inside.

I desperately don't want him to be frustrated and irritated every time I open my mouth.  I don't want him thinking, "What now?"

He has repeatedly told me that he wants me to tell him everything.  So why is it that every time I have something in my I head the first thing I think is that I would just be annoying him by sharing it with him?  Why do I have such a hard time telling him everything?

Am I being irritating and needy or is what I have to say desired and productive?  I suppose that the only way to know is to ask, and then trust what he tells me is the truth.  Yeah the second part is going to be the toughest.

;p


Monday, July 28, 2014

Scary Place

I started writing this blog so that I can work out what is in my head.  My head can be a scary place.  I try not to spend too much time in there.  If I do allow myself to spend time in my head I start to over think things to an extreme measure.  I dwell, brood, over-analyze and just make mountains out of ant hills in general.

So, the idea is that I take the stuff running around in my head and put it down in black and white.  Work through the thoughts and feelings.  Then leave them on the page.

Vincent is not a huge talker.  He is not really the strong silent type, but he will never enjoy talking something to death the way that I do.  He wants to state what is, decide, and then let it go.  So instead of trying to make him work through what is in my head I do that with this blog.  Then when I bring something to him it is focused and I have worked out a respectful way of saying it.

One of the things that I am really working on changing is making him feel that I am always telling him he is doing something wrong.  When I open my mouth I don't want him to think, "Oh no, what have I done now?"

He is working on not making that assumption and I am working on expressing my needs in a less combative manner.  For example, instead of telling him that he is doing something wrong, I tell him how I felt when something happened and ask him what he thinks we can do together to make us better.

I am also learning to simply accept, even especially when things do not go the way that I expect.  All those disappointing feelings still exist however.  Which brings us full circle to writing this blog to help me sort things out.

I said all that to say this, I need to actually write on my blog for it to do me any good.  I haven't been writing down anything lately.  Like many things that are good for me (exercise, quitting smoking, not eating things that are deep fried and covered in cheese) I just don't do it the way I need to for it to do me any good.

Welcome to my most recent new leaf.  Everyday, whether it is a paragraph or an essay, I am going to write something in my blog.  Today I am actually  going to write two posts.  I wanted to get all this out of my head and I need to process that last week.  I am actually starting to feel a little sorry for my blogger.

;p

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Self Discipline

I really like science fiction.  I read and watch a great deal of science fiction material.  There is a principle in science fiction called - The Three Laws of Robotics.  For people who know science fiction they know and understand this idea.  For people who do not it is a a long explanation that would include a whole lot of stuff that would sound like blah, blah, blah.  I won't go into the whole thing.  Part of the concept, however, is the idea that a robot cannot allow harm to come to a human through their inaction.  So even if the robot had nothing whatsoever to do with situation unfolding in front of them they cannot just watch and let a human come to harm if there is something they can do to stop it.

I said all of that to say this.  I cannot think of a single time in my life where I have set out to do harm to another human being.  However, through my inaction and my unintentional actions and especially my not thinking first I have caused harm to others in my life.  

All the recent mess that I have seen in blog land has had me evaluating myself and my level of concern for how my actions or my failure to act has effected others.  I think that the key word for me has been responsibility.  I have at times blamed everyone but me for the things that I caused.  I try to live now with the idea that anything I do or do not do is my responsibility as are all the intended or unintended consequences.  I have also learned that, "I am sorry" is only a collection of syllables unless there are actions that go along with them.

I said all of that to say this.  (Yes I am getting to a point eventually.)  I have heard many times inside the DD world the criticism that women should have enough self discipline not to need their husband's discipline.  I think that self discipline is a good thing.  People should have an internal moral compass, and they should strive to be better people.  I also believe that men and woman are not identical.  No matter how sophisticated this world becomes the fact still remains that men and women are different.  I AM NOT saying that women do not have self discipline.  Women are perfectly capable of 'driving' in life.  We are strong and capable.  However, only one person can drive a car at a time.  Two people can discuss and decide and cooperate to get down the road, but there is still only one person driving.  In my OPINION it works much better, partly because of how women and men are different, when the man 'drives', and the woman has the respect, courage, and self discipline to be the navigator.  

At the end of all this pointless rambling I suppose the bottom line is that last sentence.  I suppose that what I was really trying to say is that this is what DD means to me.  

;p

Friday, June 27, 2014

My Amazing Man

I have an amazing man in my life.  He is trying so hard to give me what I need.  Believe me when I say that I am not easy to live with.  I am moody, bitchy, mouthy, and I always think that I am right.  It takes a lot of effort to try to reign all of that in.  It would be so much easier on him if he just threw in the towel and didn't try.

That isn't what he is doing.  He is stepping up and letting me know that I AM going to be taken in hand.  The last couple days have been an excellent example of this.

He has a favorite implement.  I think most HoH's have a favorite.  His is a particularly wicked implement for two reasons.  I have a high pain tolerance, so I need something that is going to make an impact, and we need something quiet.  The quieter the implement the nastier it is.

A few days ago I asked him to take that implement off the table.  He agreed without a fight and said that if I truly wasn't okay with it then he wouldn't use it.  Then he spanked me with the other implements and I complained that they didn't have enough impact (see why it would make sense for him to throw in the towel).  He didn't bitch or tell me how insane I was being (even though I was).

We talked it all out and agreed to use the nasty Z (that is what he calls his favorite implement) but only for ten strokes or less.  This allows for the impact without causing any damage.  He also sat down with me and went implement shopping online.  We bought some more implements that will hopefully have the necessary impact without the noise.

Until then he is trying new things to see if he can find something that works without him having to worry about injuring me.  Because as we all know punishment is supposed to hurt but not injure.  He is really bending over backwards to make this work.

Even though last nights punishment did not have quite enough impact it was effective.  It is the knowledge that he is willing to do whatever it takes.

I have the most amazing man. Now if I can just get him to spank for long enough that I stay sorry for several days we will be in business.  (You didn't really think I was going to go a whole post without complaining about something.)

;p

Spank Button

I saw this on Facebook and it made me smile so I thought I would share.