I have an amazing man. We have an amazing relationship, a journey of wonder, adventure and tons of debauchery!! There are intensely confusing and painful times. There are intensely passionate and loving times. I would have it no other way. I firmly believe that you cannot love or grow, as a person or a couple, without pain and conflict. He challenges and loves me in a way that I can understand and accept. It truly does not get better in this life.
We are trying to craft a life and a lifestyle. After all if you are going to spend this much time doing something you should do it with style. Our style is part his kink, part my kink, part BDSM, and part whatever the fuck life throws at us next. It is never easy but it is never boring. Ain't nobody got time for boring! ;)
Lately our life has been mostly the stuff that life is throwing at us. That is fair, we have certainly had more than our share of just pure pleasure. Life has made it hard to find time or energy. That has left me some time to think about what I am really craving for our life and how I communicate or fail to communicate. Everyone communicate things in terms of what it means to them, but I do that to the ultimate extreme sometimes. So now I would like to put some of my things in terms of what I think Fox might get out of them.
I have a serious interest in pain. In this context particularly impact play. Spanking, whipping, beating, belting, strapping, paddling, caning. I could go on and on and on... I all the tones of impact you can imagine. Sexual pleasure, pushing my tolerance, indulging my masochism, purging emotions, evening attitude, love of leather, indulging my violent side, punishment, correction, revenge, evenning the score, paying for the behaviors that I choose, attention grabbing. All of it equally depending on where I am at that moment. I talk endlessly about how I feel about all this and what I need. Our biggest struggle has been punishment, holding me to certain standards, paying for bad behavior, and as a stop gap for a situation getting out of hand. The problems center around my struggle with being ashamed of my need and my desperate need to have these things regularly. Then there is his struggle with the time and effort required as well as his fear that all this control allows me too, and forces me to not make my own adult choices. Something new occured to me today. Something that might address these things in a very productive way.
With a little effort and time put in at the beginning and us both having a willingnes to be all in we may eliminate the struggle at the end. Pain, anger, and resentment won't have to build up and erupt because they are all addressed in a productive way and vented. This is the part I just realized. The way I see it he can relish and enjoy taking my attitude and purposeful misbehavior out on my ass in a fabulously violent way. I end in peace and joy but so can he. He can fully embrace this form of violence and never have to feel bad or struggle with it.
Telling me he is going to tear my ass up. Describing in detail all the violent things he wants to do. Feeling the power and thrill of letting all that frustration and anger flow through an implement. Watching my ass redden, purple, bruise, and bleed. Seeing me involuntarily wince with the pain in my ass and thighs for days. Knowing that I am thinking of him and how I can be better for him, me and us because I can feel the consequences of not doing that. Planning implements, positions, new adventurous way to hurt me. Relishing the evil feeling of looking forward to truly hurting me. Even the sadistic joy of me moaning and fighting as the pain increases. This is one of the very few times that the universe is handing him a totally acceptable and even desireable and demanded way of embracing his violent and sadistic side. If he finds some kind of appeal in this then I think we could evolve to a whole new level of fabulous.
Reading it in print terrifies and thrills me so there must be truth and fabulous to it!
Rose;)
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