Self-Centered

What does self-centered look like?

Is it my need to have someone acknowledge everything I say?  Is it my desire to have constant reassurance from the people I love?  Is it my expectation to be the center of someone's universe exactly when I want them?  Is it the way that I constantly try to impress?  Is it the justification of my bad behavior?  Is it all these things?  Is it everything that I have become?

I am hurting someone that I love.  This has created two thoughts. First is that I love him and don't want someone to be hurting him even if it is me.  This thought makes me want to say that he would be much better off without me, especially right now.  I feel like I should tell him that I am going to walk away, because I love him, and maybe some day I can come back the person he deserves to have in his life.  This is my love for him that says he deserves the best life he can possibly have and I am not that right now.

The second thought is that I desperately don't want to loose him.  It is physically painful to think about him not being in my life.  He comforts and challenges me and those are two things that are damn near impossible to find in the same person.  I am a better person with his influence in my life. He has made being really sick not quite so bad, even bearable.  I could spend days just silently looking in his eyes.  I have never had conversations with anyone that I enjoy as much as I enjoy talking to him.  His voice soothes my soul.  This is my love for myself saying that I need him for my selfish reasons.

Does he get anything out of this relationship?  Am I just too difficult to merit keeping me around? Am I even capable of being a person of substance anymore?  Is it really the emotional turbulence that makes these undesirable qualities so prevalent?  Am I strong enough to do the right thing?  What is the right thing?

I have no idea what self-centered looks like, but I am afraid it might look like me.

Rose

Go Ahead and Roll Your Eyes

When I am not all that into someone, whether I never did or I have lost the love I once had, they tend to get on my nerves.  These days means I roll my eyes when they call, text, message.  At one time it went so far that I would completely avoid them until they got the point and went away. I have never felt that way, or at least responded that way, to any one who I wanted in my life.  I am now wondering if most the people who know always roll my eyes when I call or text, even if they still want me in their life.

The people that are part of my life are the best people that there are.  They are kind, considerate, smart, talented, and just plain amazing.  I have gods that have stepped to earth as friends.  They would not in a million years tell me something that they thought might hurt me.  They would tell me the truth, but not if it was just something that was just a little irritating.  It would have to be a major character flaw or something that would hurt me in the long run for them to risk damaging me.  This is one of the incredible things about them, but it can become problematic.  I will never know if they find me annoying when I talk to much, which I do a lot, or text really stupid things, which I do occasionally, or even the never ending inane Facebook posts.

I don't want to be that girl.  I desperately don't want to be the girl whose friends internally roll their eyes every time they see my name on their phone or when I start talking endlessly about something.  So here are my choices as I see them.  I can forget it completely and just let things go the way they always have.  I refuse to simply ignore something that I know to be a real character flaw, so that is one option down.  I can stop texting and calling my friends to give them some space and hopefully they will see that I am making an effort and I actually may be less annoying, but I don't want to stop talking to my friends.  I could ask them to tell me every time I am annoying, but they love me enough not to do this.

So where does that leave me? Basically it leaves me rolling my eyes because writing all of this and accomplishing nothing is a really annoying thing that I do.

Addiction and Cancer

I have been addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth, heroine, oxy, cutting, food, shopping, sex and people.  By far the most painful addiction is people.  Heroine almost ruined my life, but it didn't break my heart.  You need a living breathing person to have your heart broken.

The first person who broke my heart was my mother.  She did it so thoroughly that I built a solid steel wall between my heart and the rest of the world.  I could feel some but there was no chance the I was ever going to be in love.  I formed attachments, but not any that I couldn't walk away from.  I was the queen of picking up and walking away at a moments notice.  I was addicted to finding something new and I left a trail of hearts in my wake.  It never occurred to me that I was hurting anyone.  It never occurred to me that they could be in love with me when I wasn't in love with them.  I left a lot of really good people behind.

Then, at 25, I got cancer for the first time.  Being told that you might be murdered by a disease at 25 can change everything about you.  I didn't instantly change but I certainly grew up.  Then, at 29, I got cancer for the second time.  Everything changed, I saw people as people, I cared what I was doing to others and finally I was capable of falling in love.  It was then that I learned what all those people whose hearts I had broken felt when I disappeared. I started to live with, and deal with the pain and guilt from all those years when I felt nothing.

They told me I couldn't have any more children.  I was blessed with two more beautiful, wonderful, amazing babies.  Having them almost killed me and no one thought I should go through with it, but for the first time someone else was more important to me than me. This is when I learned what real love meant.  I also learned that love hurts, a lot.  I got to feel what happens when your heart breaks.

I am 42, and I was just diagnosed with cancer for the third time.  I can not even put into words how terrified I am.  I have aplastic anemia, kidney disease, and cancer. I know who I am and I know what I want in my life for whatever life I may have left.  Now I am learning what it feels like to need people that don't need me.  I have absolutely incredible friends.  These are the best people to ever walk the planet, but these people have lots of life in their lives.  I have become the one who is needy, high maintenance, and dependent. I am the complete opposite of what I was at 25.

So now I take some space, I look at my life and I realize, it takes a living breathing person to have your heart broken.

Rose

Oh That Sound...

I am a visceral person.  Touch, smell, sound are all inexorably linked to places, people, feelings.  It has become really obvious to me in the last week or so that I will never be able to rid myself of these associations.  Honestly, I don't really want to.  I love the feeling that I get in my stomach when I hear a belt come out of belt loops.  I literally throb and get wet when I hear the sound of a butterfly knife.  These sounds bring up people and places, memories of things that I am pretty sure I don't want to get rid of. Some are good, some are bad, but all of them have had a significant part in shaping me into the person I am today.  I like the person that I am right now.  I am certainly not perfect.  There are lots of things that I am going to continue to work on improving.  However, I like me.  I don't know if this makes me crazy or sick, but I don't want to get rid of my memories.  I love the way that sound feels.

Rose

Fear

Last night a very little thing happened that made me absolutely terrified.  I went to a whole new level of fear.

Vincent went to mow the lawn for his aunt.  This is an example of how he is just awesome.  He really does think about how he can do for the people he loves.  I knew that he was going, and when he does this he usually leaves his phone in the car to charge and I know this as well.  Earlier in the day however I asked him to text me when he got to his aunt's house so I would know he was ok.

Several reasons for this.  He drives a truck for a living and that is inherently dangerous, his car is a piece of crap and I am just waiting for it to give out, and he is almost always home by four because he starts at five in the morning and I just needed to know he was ok if he wasn't going to be home.

Well the inevitable happened and he forgot to text and left his phone in his car.  Then it took him a longer than normal amount of time for him to mow.  So I am at home wondering if he is ok and getting more and more worried.  By six I was convinced that he had an accident and that is why he hadn't contacted me.

I completely freaked out.  I was crying and hyperventilating and I just could not calm down.  First I thought about the horrible idea of a world without him and then I thought about what would happen to me and our babies without him.  I was in full horror swing.  I left him a voice mail cursing him out and going on a full on rant.  (Yeah I know, not pretty)  When he did call me I interrupted what he was trying to say and asked him if he was ok.  When he said he was I told him to never f***ing talk to me again and hung up on him.  When he got home I went on a full on hour long rant.  He had worked since 5 and mowed the lawn but I didn't care how tired, hot, hungry, or dirty he was I was going OFF.

He was absolutely nothing but contrite.  He kept apologizing and telling me he knew how scared I was and how much he loved me and how sorry he was.  I did eventually calm down and we talked about it.  It was very late and we were both exhausted (him from hard work and me from being a complete freak) but we got it worked out and got past the hurt and fear.

So we have dealt with what he did.  It is completely over and behind us and I will not bring it up again.  We have not dealt with what I did.  It was really late and it was not an appropriate time for us to deal with that.  Tonight we need to deal with my disrespect for him, not taking care of me, exposing my kids to my insanity, and my whole general attitude.

My hope is that he will NOT go lightly on me because of his contrition for what he did.  In my mind they are separate issues.  We dealt with one and it is done.  It has NO bearing on the issue we have to deal with now.  I am going to tell him this and then I AM (yes I really am) going to accept how he wants to deal with it.

So either I am going to have to deal with a very serious spanking that is going to REALLY suck or I am going to have to emotionally deal with him letting it go.  I was going to say that I am not sure which would be harder but I am pretty sure it will be him letting it go.  Maybe I am insane.

;p

Finally Defining Punishment

Several things have happened lately that have made me do some rethinking.  First, (mostly for Vincent) I want to say that this is about my head space, how I am made, and what I need.  This is absolutely not about what Vincent is doing or not doing.  Yes it involves the spanking that he gives, but he is not wrong.  This is just an evolving process, and to be honest I have not been very forthcoming about my thoughts.

So the other night I got really upset with Vincent and refused to let him spank me, (not the right choice, ever) then I have told him several times that spanking is not a joke and it feels like that is how he is taking it, and there was a spanking that Vincent thought was very severe and honestly it would fall into the "good girl spanking" category for me.

I did eventually agree to and got the spanking that I had refused.  It was not pleasant. When he uses Z the spanking is never pleasant.  I would not ever put Z into the "good girl spanking" category.  It is most definitely punishment and it always hurts.  I have decided that this isn't about the pain in my butt, but the space in my head.   Even though it hurt and I wanted it to stop I also knew that I needed it to go on so that it got past the pain in my butt and then past the brick wall in my head.  Vincent is kind, loving, and just doesn't want to hurt me.  He is wonderful and I DON'T want to change this about him.  However, for the sake of him and my kids there are things I HAVE to change.  For whatever reason this thing called Domestic Discipline is the best way for me to change. (Why my mind works that way is a subject for a completely different blog.)

Yesterday I sent him a text telling him that I thought I needed a long session over his knee with the paddle to put me in the right head space for the week and give me something to think about when making choices.  Vincent totally stepped up to the plate and gave me what I asked for.  In my head the spanking I got last night with the paddle would qualify as a "good girl" or "foreplay" spanking.  Vincent did nothing wrong.  I have a high pain tolerance, hard butt, and hard brick wall in my head.  Add to that the fact that he is careful that he doesn't hurt me and we reach an impasse.

This impasse is my fault.  Because of my embarrassment and because I am still working this all out I have not been open enough about how I feel about spanking.  I have been incredibly tentative when trying to talk to him face to face about this whole thing.

Up until now the "good girl" or "foreplay" spankings have been on the front of my body and basically teasing in nature.  These are awesome and I don't want them to stop.  However, I have never told him that him telling me to get on my knees and alternating spanking so it hurts (not like Z, but like the paddles or maybe some leather) and fucking me from behind makes me wet and throbbing.  These kind of spankings can and should be fun, they can include joking and teasing, they can include attitude adjustment, role affirmation, reminders of rules, maintenance and some behavior correction.  In my mind punishment is completely different.

Punishment is not a joke and isn't open to teasing.  Punishment is a consequence of bad behavior and a deterrent to future bad behavior.  I should think about it, shudder and vow to never experience punishment for that reason again.  Punishment should not be in a comfortable position like laying on the bed, but something directly associated with punishment like over the knee.  To me putting me over the knee means, "I am putting you here because you are in trouble and I am going to have to hold on to you because you are going to want to run away from what I am going to do to you."  Punishment should include tears, more pain than you can tolerate, marks, bruises, genuine heartfelt remorse, restraint by hand or ties of some sort so I can't move away, and lots of pain in the butt the next day.

Okay, here is the admission that I do not want to make.  The punishment spankings I got as a kid are what punishment spankings should be.  I would never spank my children.  Not ever for any reason.  Kids are growing, they are small, they are vulnerable, they should be able to trust their parents completely.  However, for me, a consenting fully grown adult, punishment should be baaaad.

There are several reasons I haven't opened up about this.  I was embarrassed.  I am still figuring it out myself.  I am not insane (no, really, I'm not) so I don't look forward to putting in place a punishment that fits the bill and know that I will get it at some point.  I am going to be better, and I know that this can work.

Having said all that I will said that relationships are not all about one person.  What happens next depends on how Vincent feels about all this.  I know he isn't going to enjoy truly punishing me.  He is not sadistic.  He has no desire to really hurt me and doing so it going to be incredibly hard for him.  If it is not something that he can do then I will accept that and we will work it out together.  Now I just have to be brave enough to tell him.

;p

Ouchy, Stingy, Yucky Implements and Why They Are Excellent

We have smallish kids and very close neighbors.  This means that we have to use quieter implements.  We used to use only implements that were close to silent.  Vincent has gotten over what the neighbors think to a certain extent and we have discovered that our kids would sleep through a brass band playing in their bedroom.  So, we do have some paddles now that are not as silent but still not real loud.

Vincent almost always uses these paddle type things for almost all spankings (except the sexy ones, which is another post entirely).  They are fine, but I have noticed something.  I have a hard butt and an even harder head.  I have honestly not had a spanking that made any real impact since he put away the nasty, ouchy, stingy, yucky silent implements.

He did it mostly because I asked him to.  Ok, ok, if I am completely honest I used guilt to get him to stop using them.  I did a really bad thing.  I told him that it was possible to injure me with those implements and then said, "You don't want that do you?"

Yeah, I know, it was horrible.  I suppose, technically, it is within the vast realm of very unlikely possibilities that those implements might possibly injure me.  Here is the problem.  I know very well that he would never, could never, injure me.  In the wrong hands the silent implements could injure but so could every other implement, and his hands are definitely not the wrong hands.

Here is the even worse part.  I knew all of this was true when I got him to stop using them.  I know that punishment is supposed to hurt.  It is supposed to hurt past the point where it isn't really a big deal.  It is supposed to be painful enough that I am sorry and I am thinking about it for a while.  I am not supposed to be looking forward to a punishment spanking, for the spanking itself.  I do look forward to putting the disobedience behind us and the closeness, but I really should be dreading the spanking part.  It is not supposed to be sexy and well within my tolerance level.

I am sure that there are people that disagree with me here, and that is fine, but this is about me.  For me a punishment spanking should have me begging and crying.  It is the only way that it is going to have the desired impact and help me in the way I need it too and the way he wants.

The truth is that the paddles should probably be used for warm ups and maintenance.  Punishment should be done with Z (horrible plastic coated wire hangar loop) and the tilt wand (the turny stick thing off the mini blinds).  He is not ever going to injure me, it just isn't possible.  I made him feel wary and guilty and it has had the consequence that he has been made ineffective.

Not only was I unfair, I told a bold face lie.

To Vincent:

I am so sorry.  I should never have done this to you.  I hope you can forgive me, and more important, get past the feelings that you could possibly injure me.  You couldn't.

;p

Irritating and Needy vs. Desired and Productive

Vincent and I communicate differently.  He is concise and brief, a decide and move on kind of guy.  I talk things to death and then continue to beat them until they are a gelatinous puddle.  Combine that with the fact that we have had times in our relationship when we really didn't want to say anything to each other and it creates a problem with me internally.

We have really been focusing on communication and one of his big things is that I cannot shut down on him.  I have to tell him what is going on in my head and heart.  When I don't tell him things I get bitter and nasty.  The problem is that I always question whether he actually wants to hear what I have going on inside.

I desperately don't want him to be frustrated and irritated every time I open my mouth.  I don't want him thinking, "What now?"

He has repeatedly told me that he wants me to tell him everything.  So why is it that every time I have something in my I head the first thing I think is that I would just be annoying him by sharing it with him?  Why do I have such a hard time telling him everything?

Am I being irritating and needy or is what I have to say desired and productive?  I suppose that the only way to know is to ask, and then trust what he tells me is the truth.  Yeah the second part is going to be the toughest.

;p

Scary Place

I started writing this blog so that I can work out what is in my head.  My head can be a scary place.  I try not to spend too much time in there.  If I do allow myself to spend time in my head I start to over think things to an extreme measure.  I dwell, brood, over-analyze and just make mountains out of ant hills in general.

So, the idea is that I take the stuff running around in my head and put it down in black and white.  Work through the thoughts and feelings.  Then leave them on the page.

Vincent is not a huge talker.  He is not really the strong silent type, but he will never enjoy talking something to death the way that I do.  He wants to state what is, decide, and then let it go.  So instead of trying to make him work through what is in my head I do that with this blog.  Then when I bring something to him it is focused and I have worked out a respectful way of saying it.

One of the things that I am really working on changing is making him feel that I am always telling him he is doing something wrong.  When I open my mouth I don't want him to think, "Oh no, what have I done now?"

He is working on not making that assumption and I am working on expressing my needs in a less combative manner.  For example, instead of telling him that he is doing something wrong, I tell him how I felt when something happened and ask him what he thinks we can do together to make us better.

I am also learning to simply accept, even especially when things do not go the way that I expect.  All those disappointing feelings still exist however.  Which brings us full circle to writing this blog to help me sort things out.

I said all that to say this, I need to actually write on my blog for it to do me any good.  I haven't been writing down anything lately.  Like many things that are good for me (exercise, quitting smoking, not eating things that are deep fried and covered in cheese) I just don't do it the way I need to for it to do me any good.

Welcome to my most recent new leaf.  Everyday, whether it is a paragraph or an essay, I am going to write something in my blog.  Today I am actually  going to write two posts.  I wanted to get all this out of my head and I need to process that last week.  I am actually starting to feel a little sorry for my blogger.

;p

Self Discipline

I really like science fiction.  I read and watch a great deal of science fiction material.  There is a principle in science fiction called - The Three Laws of Robotics.  For people who know science fiction they know and understand this idea.  For people who do not it is a a long explanation that would include a whole lot of stuff that would sound like blah, blah, blah.  I won't go into the whole thing.  Part of the concept, however, is the idea that a robot cannot allow harm to come to a human through their inaction.  So even if the robot had nothing whatsoever to do with situation unfolding in front of them they cannot just watch and let a human come to harm if there is something they can do to stop it.

I said all of that to say this.  I cannot think of a single time in my life where I have set out to do harm to another human being.  However, through my inaction and my unintentional actions and especially my not thinking first I have caused harm to others in my life.  

All the recent mess that I have seen in blog land has had me evaluating myself and my level of concern for how my actions or my failure to act has effected others.  I think that the key word for me has been responsibility.  I have at times blamed everyone but me for the things that I caused.  I try to live now with the idea that anything I do or do not do is my responsibility as are all the intended or unintended consequences.  I have also learned that, "I am sorry" is only a collection of syllables unless there are actions that go along with them.

I said all of that to say this.  (Yes I am getting to a point eventually.)  I have heard many times inside the DD world the criticism that women should have enough self discipline not to need their husband's discipline.  I think that self discipline is a good thing.  People should have an internal moral compass, and they should strive to be better people.  I also believe that men and woman are not identical.  No matter how sophisticated this world becomes the fact still remains that men and women are different.  I AM NOT saying that women do not have self discipline.  Women are perfectly capable of 'driving' in life.  We are strong and capable.  However, only one person can drive a car at a time.  Two people can discuss and decide and cooperate to get down the road, but there is still only one person driving.  In my OPINION it works much better, partly because of how women and men are different, when the man 'drives', and the woman has the respect, courage, and self discipline to be the navigator.  

At the end of all this pointless rambling I suppose the bottom line is that last sentence.  I suppose that what I was really trying to say is that this is what DD means to me.  

;p

My Amazing Man

I have an amazing man in my life.  He is trying so hard to give me what I need.  Believe me when I say that I am not easy to live with.  I am moody, bitchy, mouthy, and I always think that I am right.  It takes a lot of effort to try to reign all of that in.  It would be so much easier on him if he just threw in the towel and didn't try.

That isn't what he is doing.  He is stepping up and letting me know that I AM going to be taken in hand.  The last couple days have been an excellent example of this.

He has a favorite implement.  I think most HoH's have a favorite.  His is a particularly wicked implement for two reasons.  I have a high pain tolerance, so I need something that is going to make an impact, and we need something quiet.  The quieter the implement the nastier it is.

A few days ago I asked him to take that implement off the table.  He agreed without a fight and said that if I truly wasn't okay with it then he wouldn't use it.  Then he spanked me with the other implements and I complained that they didn't have enough impact (see why it would make sense for him to throw in the towel).  He didn't bitch or tell me how insane I was being (even though I was).

We talked it all out and agreed to use the nasty Z (that is what he calls his favorite implement) but only for ten strokes or less.  This allows for the impact without causing any damage.  He also sat down with me and went implement shopping online.  We bought some more implements that will hopefully have the necessary impact without the noise.

Until then he is trying new things to see if he can find something that works without him having to worry about injuring me.  Because as we all know punishment is supposed to hurt but not injure.  He is really bending over backwards to make this work.

Even though last nights punishment did not have quite enough impact it was effective.  It is the knowledge that he is willing to do whatever it takes.

I have the most amazing man. Now if I can just get him to spank for long enough that I stay sorry for several days we will be in business.  (You didn't really think I was going to go a whole post without complaining about something.)

;p

Spank Button

I saw this on Facebook and it made me smile so I thought I would share.

Perspective

Wow.  That post this morning was a real downer.  It is scary what goes on in my head sometimes, but that is why I have the blog.  So I can get what is in my head, out, and then I can gain some much needed (scary word) PERSPECTIVE.

It does not always work.  This morning it worked great.  I got it all out in print where I could go over it instead of letting it build up and make me crazy.  I wrote Vincent an email telling all of what was going on in my head, and since I had already worked through it I could do it with some much needed (surprise, surprise) perspective.

I gave some thought to how he feels and how I could be honest and open with him without accusing and being mean.  I think that I did a bang up job of it if I do say so myself.  We are getting there.  He is such a wonderful man.  I don't know if he has read the email.  I know that he has had a really rough day.  Instead of telling him to suck it up and how hard I had it I told him how sorry I was and that I would be here at the end of the day to help him feel better.  In turn, instead of withdrawing or being an ass he called to see if I wanted him to pick up chicken for dinner and he was open and loving.

I have probably read a million posts discussing why it is that we do ttwd.  I can tell you why in two words.  It works.  It takes care of all the crap that gets in the way and allows us to just focus on our love for each other.  I have never been more grateful for one single day than I am for the day that I found DD.

;p

Hair Pulling

My last blog was a little heavy and unsettling so I thought I would post this pic to make me smile.

;p

The Random Stuff In My Head

I love my man.  I really do.  I don't want to be a crazy person.  I really don't.

Yet I still torture him, and it is not intentional.

Last night my man says to me, "Your thinking is more complicated than Physics.  I will still be trying to figure you out when I die."

Personally I think the truth may be more along the lines of me being as complicated as string theory and if he lived forever he still wouldn't figure me out.

Vincent works so hard to give me what I need and want.  I am not really talking about his job and providing material things, although he does that as well.  He works really hard to give me emotionally what I need so that I am happy.  The problem isn't him it is me.

I have been spanked like every day since we restarted this.  He gave up his favorite implement because I said I thought it might be a little over the top.  Then I realized that I wasn't happy with him just using the lighter implements.

I could not bring myself to tell him this.  I just cannot justify telling this man who is working so hard to do what I need so we have a happy home, "No, sorry, you are still just doing this wrong."

First of all I am really trying not to top from the bottom.  I ask instead of tell, and suggest and accept when we differ on opinions.  Secondly, it has only been a week since we started this again.  I am not stupid.  I do stupid stuff sometimes (it is possible it is more than sometimes), but I am not stupid.  I know that we will grow into this and all the bumps will be worked out with time.

I don't want to wait.  I want it to work.  I want it to work now.  I want to feel all the peace and security that will come if I can keep my fingers out of it and let ttwd do what it does.

I don't want to wait, I want it all now. (Picture a petulant toddler with arms crossed, lip stuck out, stomping my foot.)  Yeah, I know, mature.

He says that we are okay this morning.  I feel like I have done damage to us.  Perhaps serious damage because I am not sure he is really believing that I am all in because of my attitude.

This is one of the reasons for this blog.  I am not going to tell him all this and have him feel like I am criticizing again.  I refuse to put another stick of dynamite under our fledgling relationship.  Now that I got this off my mind I am going to suck it up and let things proceed naturally being the best possible wife that I can.

I have heard a million times that the best way to get a strong HoH is to be submissive (awful, evil, hateful word).

;p

Mouth, Spanking, Sex, Confession, Spanking, Sick Kid

I know that the title is long but it is very informative don't you think.  I suppose that it is not necessary for me to type the whole story but, of course, I am going to anyway.

After the drunken email I was understandably nervous.  Either my heart or my butt was going to be very sorry.  I was actually quite proud of myself.  I did not badger about it the minute he came in.  I helped carry all the stuff in and started unpacking.  Vincent being Vincent, he didn't say anything.  The fluttering in my stomach was starting to get a little insane.

I was leaning over a box unpacking and without saying a word he came over and started smacking my butt with a great sense of purpose.  My first reaction was pure joy (yahhh, he cares enough to continue with this).  My second reaction was nausea (WHAT have I done, I am not going to be able to sit down for a week).  Interestingly enough I have figured out that both reactions were absolutely accurate.  (Well sort of, that would be the part about the sick kid that I will get to later.)

Things proceeded normally and I just mentioned (as a helpful tip...not being mouthy at all) that if he had bought and used the higher SPF sunscreen that I had recommended that no one would have the sunburns they had.  It would seem that I may have made that observation in a less than respectful tone of voice (*gasp*).

Vincent was not amused.  He firmly took my hand and led me to the bedroom. Side question...Am I the only one who gets that funky feeling in my stomach that is part huge admiration and part abject terror when my man gets all HoHy.

He puts me over the bed and picks up the horrible Z and proceeds to do a dozen hard swats over my shorts.  He puts Z down and half of me is insanely happy, half of me is a little disappointed because I think he is done.  I am wrong (shock and awe, yeah it happens occasionally).  He picks up the switch and pulls my shorts and underwear down and proceeds to switch my butt with that fabulous technique he seems to have picked up over night.

It was not long and was not painful, but it made my heart about burst in happiness to know that he was going to take this new role completely and totally and give his all to me and our family.  He pulled up off the bed and into his arms.

"That was for your mouth.  Do you understand?"

"Yes sir.  Thank you sir."  I am a happy girl.

"You will be getting plenty more when the kids go to bed."  I am an extremely anxious happy girl.

The kids get a movie and snuggle into bed.  No sooner are the kids in bed than I find out that what I am going to be getting more of is way more interactive than what I had been picturing.  He uses the good girl implement and we do all sorts of fun and adult things to each other.

The only flaw in the perfect picture is that I am feeling insanely guilty because I have been smoking in the house all weekend (which I know is a big no-no).  I wait till we are resting and glowing ( I am not  a complete idiot...sometimes anyway) before I get the nerve to give my confession.

"I am not really your good girl.  I don't deserve the good girl implement."

"What did you do?"
Silence
"What did you do?"
Silence
Putting down the good girl implement and picking up the evil Z.  "You are only making this worse.  Tell me what you did now."  Lovely 'I am the boss' voice.

"I smoked in the house all weekend."  Smack, smack, smack.
"Not in the window."  Smack, smack, smack.
"On the couch, and in the bedroom." Continuous hard whipping on my bottom.

"That is it.  Bend over."  What is it about the phrase 'bend over'.

Firm and disappointed voice lecturing me on knowing better and how I am going to learn not to break this rule.  Continuous whipping my backside which is starting hurt (a lot) and I am starting to squirm.

"You will stay still and take this little girl."  Starts counting.  I think maybe I am done at ten, no, I think I am done at twenty, no, I am bouncing all over the place and starting to moan.

He gets to thirty and stops with Z.  I sag on the bed with relief that we are done.  Nope.

He picks up the small whippy thing.  Now he uses this a lot in fun spanking and it usually hurts just enough to feel good.  I am shocked.  This does not feel good.  I cannot believe one of my favorite toys and be this painful.  Solid steady whipping on my backside and no matter how hard I try I cannot stay still.

"That will be ten more for moving around.  Now hold still."

"Yes, sir."

I didn't think he could hit harder.  He did.  Counting to ten and adding one at the end that made me pull completely out of his hold and roll over.

He pulls me into his arms and tells me that it will not happen again or it will get worse.

My butt is nice and warm and stingy.  After about thirty minutes though most of the pain has subsided and I am just in my happy glowing place.  Apparently I get stupid when I am in my happy glowing place.

He asks me if my butt hurts and I blissfully reply that it doesn't hurt at all. (Told you I get stupid.)

"Really.  Turn back over now."

"No, I don't need more I promise."

"Over now."  Tapping it on his hand.

I roll over.  Knowing that I deserve what I am getting and probably much, much worse.  Every few swats he asks if it hurts.  I ask if I have to be honest, and when he says yes I have to say not really because even though it hurts it is not that really hurting, I cannot take this pain that punishment is supposed to be and I know that is what he is really asking.

Unfortunately (fortunately) my daughter knocks on the door just then and says that her brother has thrown up.  We are both up and into their bedroom immediately.  When we are all done cleaning and tucking in and are laying cuddled on the bed the other shoe drops.

"We had a kid emergency which is more important than anything, but you will be getting the rest tomorrow night."

Small amount of apprehension because I am not altogether insane and I know that at the rate he is getting the hang of this my butt is going to be hurting a lot soon.  I really do not enjoy punishment while it is happening.  However, the glow and feeling of safety are huge because I know that my man is there to care for and protect me, even when it is from myself.

;p

Don't Drink and Email

The moral of the story is: Don't Drink and Email.  I know, I know the moral is supposed to come at the end of the story, but this story is far from over and I already learned the moral.  I feel it is my duty to pass this along to anyone out there who might be listening.  Mostly I need to write it down so that I never, never, NEVER forget it again.

This is the email I sent Vincent after four beers last night.

I know you have been out of town.  I know you are out of chew.  I know it can be difficult dealing with the kids alone for days.  I know you are probably tired.  I know that the last thing you want to deal with is spanking me.  I know all this and yet I need you to step up.  I need you to punish me.  I need you to do it thoroughly.  I need you to not just use Z.  I need you to take the time to warm me up and then do a nice long spanking no matter how much I beg.  I need you to put me in the corner with my spanked bottom on display.  I need you to call me back to the bed and give me more even though I know that I cannot take any more.  I need you to lecture me about behaving myself; not smoking in the house and not going off on you even when you aren't there.  I need to hurt every time I try to move for the next few days.  I need you to continue to spank me with corner time and lecture when I mouth off or disobey even if my backside is already sore from what I get on Sunday. I need the immediate reaction like you sometime give me taking me to the bedroom, closing the door, and spanking me soundly even when the kids are awake if I get out of line.  I need you to spank even when you are tired and have had a rotten day at work.  I know I need too much, but if you want me in your life, a life without fighting and with me being your good girl and wanting you every minute of the day, then this is what I need.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't this person but I am.  You have apparently decided to live your life with me even if it is just because I am all you can get.  Even if it is just because I am convenient this is what I need.  I need to be able to say that I love you.  I know you don’t feel it and I don’t want you to say it, but I need to say it.  No matter if all this is true I need you to put forth this effort so that I know that you care enough to make this work.  Even if I am a little drunk and that is the only reason that I am being this honest this is what I need.  If you choose to give me what I need I will know this by your actions on Sunday and I will be your good girl and submit completely.  I can give you what you want and need but the time has come for you to give me what I need.  You don’t have to marry me but you do need to commit to me and what I need.   I am not sure that I have the guts to send this but if I do then I am asking, please, make this relationship work and give me what I need.

Now there are two ways that I can see this playing out.  The best possible thing would be that Sunday night I get the spanking of a lifetime and I learn several lessons at once.  The worst is that he does nothing and pretends like I never even sent it.

Now some people would think that getting the spanking of a lifetime does not sound like a good outcome, but for us it would be awesome.  It would mean that we are going to make it, together.  If he does nothing then he doesn't care and we have no chance and this is something I don't even want to consider.

It is going to be a long day.

;p

I Am Not Going To Email or Text Him This Weekend

So I made a vow to myself that I was not going to text or email Ed this weekend.  Especially not about anything DD.  

Yeah, right!!!!

There was so very little chance of me actually refraining that even I knew it was a lie.  I did try....sort of.  I had a wonderful realization.  It was a really important realization.  Yeah I don't buy this line either.

I realized that I practically begged to do him some sexual favors before he left for the lake.  Now I know that the reason for this is that he is being all manly and HoH and this turns me on like nothing else.  When he stands up to me and thoroughly punishes me I feel protected, loved, cared for, taken care of; use whatever phrase you want.  However, I am still not sure that he understands any of this so I felt it necessary to email him and tell him all about it.

That would have been great except I could not resist adding some purely helpful (pushy and controlling) tips about using warms up spankings so that he can be more thorough and not have to worry about bruising.  I was just trying to help.  Yeah, I was trying to help him do things my way.

Here is the problem.  He has said before that he doesn't have any references on this lifestyle and he is not the "go out and find a mentor/ read blogs for information" type of guy.  He also told me that if there is something he needs to know about how this can work well for us I should share.  However, I know he gets sick of hearing about, talking about, being bombarded with, this whole DD thing especially my concern (obsession) with spanking.

I have not heard from him.  So now I am convinced that he is already sick of it and has decided that it isn't worth the effort and doesn't want to bother.  I am heart sore.  

During a punishment I usually think that I have lost my mind and I would much rather do almost anything than what we are doing, but at times like this I would sooooooo much rather be bottom sore than heart sore.

;p

Me, My Mouth, and My Bad Attitude

It has been an eventful two days.  I am determined to not top from the bottom and learn to truly be submissive.  BUT... I am going to need lots of help and I am not sure if my butt will be anything but insanely sore for the next couple months at least.

Vincent has not had any trouble getting back into his dominant role.  He is requiring me to use Sir, and continually corrects my tone of voice and attitude.  It sounds overbearing but it is what I will require for a while until I get into the right place and start behaving properly.

I almost made a mess of him trying to spank me again.  He told me I had punishment coming and that I was to bare my bottom and lean over the footstool.  He brought out the horrible, nasty Z and I leaned over the footstool.

First mistake, I didn't take off my panties and he had to pull them down even though he had specifically told me to take them off.  In my defense I was nervous.  It has been several months since I was spanked for punishment.  However, I think my mistake just served to remind him of all the mouthing off and disobeying I had been doing for two days.

So he pulled my panties down and started swatting my bottom and the pain was insane.  I know that it was a combination of going without for a while and that he isn't nearly as timid as he used to be, but this hurt.  I kicked and wiggled and pulled completely out of position.

He actually only managed four or five swats before I pulled away completely.  I know that this is a major no-no, but like I said I am going to need serious help with where my head is.

Now Vincent is a very good man, and really has no desire to hurt me.  He stopped, held me, and we moved on to other things.  It was wonderful but there was nagging guilt in the back of my head.  I knew that I had not gotten the spanking that I needed and deserved because I had stopped it, and that is just wrong.

I let it simmer for about an hour and then I decided I had to apologize.  I got down on my knees in front of him.  I wanted him to know I was apologizing and not trying to tell him how to punish me.  I told him that I knew that I had not gotten the spanking that I should have because I pulled away.  I told him I was sorry and that I was ready to take my punishment like a big girl.

He sighed real big and I was afraid he thought that I was trying to tell him to spank me so I made sure that he understood that I was just apologizing and putting myself in his hands and it was up to him what to do.  I think that he really respected that and told me that I did have more punishment coming.

We went to the bedroom and he got out that horrible nasty thing.  I took off my panties and laid over the bed this time just like I was supposed to.  He definitely gave me what I had coming. He spanked me hard and didn't stop when I wiggled or apologized or begged.  It was an exceptional job at being the HOH that I love so much.

Now you would think that a woman who got spanked that well would be on her best behavior the next morning.  You would be wrong.  I was mouthy and bossy and obnoxious this morning.  He told me that when he gets back from the lake on Sunday night he will be doing a more thorough job since I obviously didn't learn from last night. Yeah my stomach dropped to my feet.  I definitely have a bad one coming.

Now you would think that a woman who already knows that she is going to be getting a severe spanking would behave herself.  You would be wrong.  We were in the bedroom talking and I mouthed off again.  Yeah I am apparently really hard headed.  I wish my butt were as hard as my head.

He told me to shut the door, lifted my skirt, put me over the bed and proceeded to swat some obedience into my behind.  My already sore behind was searing in pain from the very first swat.  Even though I only got a dozen swats they were hard and I got the point that he wasn't happy.  I was also informed that depending on how I behave this weekend he might take away half of what I was going to get on Sunday.

So this weekend it will be just the three of us hanging out alone cleaning the house and contemplating another very sore ass.  Me, my mouth, and my bad attitude.

;p

Can I get it right this time?

So we ran into some complications.  Well just one complications really - me!  I got in my own way until I screwed it all up (one of the reasons that DD is necessary).

The whole thing really worked very well.  Vincent was embracing the role and feeling great about being the man and I was really much happier.  However, I had a picture in my head and I spent most of my time topping from the bottom trying to make that picture perfect.  Yeah, perfect is sooooooo not what we are going for here.

So after a couple months of relative bliss and then a huge, blow-out fight that lasted two days (okay maybe just a few hours out loud, but two days me yelling in my head), I finally sent THE email.  You know the one.  I desperately miss my man and I know I screwed it up and I have just been to embarrassed/scared to tell you all this.  We had a good face-to-face where I told him that this time I was going to respect his setting the rules, expectations, and punishments.  My job is to be submissive and work at making him the happiest man he could possibly be while being the best mother I can possibly be.

After this (admittedly difficult conversation) my first responsibility was to make a new implement to replace the nasty Z that I had gleefully torn apart and thrown away when the DD stopped.  I was eager to show that I really am going to submit, so I didn't even hesitate to go to the closet immediately and fulfill his request.

I thought I remembered how much it hurt.  I was horribly, horribly wrong.  I really do have a fairly high pain tolerance, but man that thing stings.  I got to be reminded as soon as I was done crafting it.  He swished it in the air a few times and then uttered the dreaded words.

"Bare your butt so we can see if it works."

I am not used to submitting to spankings anymore and I found that I had to stifle the retort that sprang to my mind.  I didn't want to offer a better target than I had to so I just stood and lifted my skirt.  Two swats and I remembered how much that things hurts.

Two things I have realized.  First I think he is going to be a little timid at first because some part of his brain still says that I quit the first time because he hurt me.  Second I am not very good at this submission thing even if I really want to be.  If I was submissive and he was really comfortable I would have lifted my skirt, pulled down my panties, and leaned over the footstool, and he would have given me the very thorough whipping that (no matter how much it pains me to admit it) I deserve and need.

He didn't and I didn't get anymore.  I did manage to get past my embarrassment and ask if we can restart the good girl spanking and he agreed.  When he came home last night he had two nice new switches waiting on his side of the bed.  Again he was tentative.  Just a few swats although they were not light.

I am currently desperately fighting the urge to break a rule to get him to give me the spanking that I know I deserve.  This is a horrible work in opposites for me.  After I am thoroughly punished I feel so much better and Vincent and I are so much closer.  Everything just feels better, except my butt.  This creates the problem.

I am a total and complete self-admitted major SPANKO (yes in all caps).  I looooove sexy and good girl spankings.  I looooove the end emotional result of punishment spankings.  I am not insane (well mostly).  His favorite punishment implement hurts like hell.  It is insanely hard to take getting an appropriately heavy and severe punishment spanking, and for me it is necessary to be very thorough.  However, when I think about the pain my stomach flips and my brain screams WHY?????.

So here I sit having a vigorous argument with myself in my head.  The Angel and the Devil on the shoulders if you will.  Angel says, "You know how much it will help and it will make things all better, but you have to submit and wait and he will take care of it in his time."  Devil says, "Forget all that stuff! That thing is insane pain just get naked rub against him and beg him to switch you in that voice he can't resist.  It will feel great and relieve the stress.  Plus, hello great sex."

Decisions, decisions...