Saturday, July 22, 2017

The Things I Haven't Told to The Man I Tell Everything

I am not terribly proud of it but most of my relationships are not even remotely based on trust, love, or honesty.  Don't get me wrong, I don't lie about who I am and what I do as a rule. However, I usually give people what they think they want me to be.  My personality has many different sides so most of the time I just use the side that fits the person I am with.  Slut, caretaker, innocent, ingenue, etc., etc.  I also don't volunteer information with most people.  So although I have always been honest about who I am they actually know very little about me, how I feel, or the struggles that I have.

Like most things in life there is an exception.  He has always been, mostly, transparent with me.  Well with pretty much anyone.  When he was an asshole the one thing you can say is that he was an honest asshole.  I have no doubt that he will always be honest with me, even if it hurts me, a lot.  He is the only person that I know who is truly open minded.  Lots of people claim to be, but then they find out things about you and the judgement begins.  Not him, I have never felt judged by him.  As a consequence of this I have always just effortlessly told him the truth about me.  I don't hold anything back, even if it hurts him, a lot.

Except that now it is different.  I am twenty years older, I have had four kids, I have a frightening number of health problems.  All of this leads to truths about me that are mortifying to me.  Although I know that he still wouldn't judge me for anything, especially health issues, I am terrified that he will just instinctively be turned off by these things.  That I will no longer be beautiful and compelling to him. If I said this to him I know what he would say.  He would use that, I can't believe I have to say this out loud, tone of voice and he would tell me that none of my medical issues would ever change the way he feels.  I know that is true, but you cannot always control what your instinctive reaction is to something.  I don't know if I will ever tell him all this but I need to purge my system of it so...

Deep breath and here we go

I have chronic renal failure.  My kidneys are progressively dying.  This isn't a new truth.  I have told him this before.  The symptoms of this disease are what I have been hiding.  The almost constant pain that runs through my back and into my urinary system.  The fact that I get bladder infections after every single time that I have sex.  The fact that I have to take medication after every time I have sex to prevent my urinary system from shutting down completely.  Plus the one that is hard even to type, I am about 40% incontinent.  Dear god that is hard to say, even if I am just saying it to myself.  Due to the general toxicity of my system I also have horrible skin.  One of the biggest reasons that I am considering not doing chemo is because it would finish my kidneys off for good.  They will do that soon enough on their own, they don't need any help.

I have aplastic anemia.  Which means that my blood marrow is not making enough red blood cells.  The only real side effects of this particular problem is that I am pale, have weak muscles, and dizzy spells.  The real problem is that I have to occasionally have blood transfusions and eventually I will have to have a bone marrow transplant if I want to keep living.

The cancer probably has the least amount of side effects.  The treatment truly is worse than the disease.  As I read this it sounds like a pathetic attempt to get attention even to me, but that isn't what this is.  I need for him to know everything.  He was always the person I could tell anything to.  It has been hurting me that I was keeping most of this from him, at least the embarrassing parts.  I need to be able to be completely honest or this isn't going to work.  I know this reads like a desperate bid for attention, but I don't want attention because of the things that are wrong with me.  I want acceptance for the things that are wrong with me and attention because of the things that are right and because of love.

Now the only question is whether I will be brave enough to send him the link.


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