Monday, July 31, 2017


When I come back from out of town there are always about a million things that are floating around in my head that I didn't get around to saying, or asking.  I figure if I write them all down then I don't have to carry them with me and wonder about them constantly.  So here goes.

  1. I don't want to be the girl you describe by saying, I love her to death and I've known her forever but the sex isn't really that great.
  2. What exactly does, "I have made a commitment to you" mean?
  3. Does it bother you that you always pay for everything, because it makes me feel like an ass.  Less so if what you are paying for is liquor, but still.  I totally get that you are in a much better financial place than me for many reasons, but I am 42 years old, you would think I could pay for my own coffee by now. 
  4. When they told me I had cancer for the third time it wasn't half as terrifying as hearing you say that you would totally dump me if Donna asked you to, I totally get it and I even agree, but it hurt a really lot.
  5. I was shocked as hell when you told me you talked to her about me moving in with you.  The concept had never even occurred to me.  I am incredibly flattered that you gave it serious enough consideration to talk to your girlfriend. 
  6. I want you to help me meet people, specifically people in the BDSM community, for two reasons.  You know most of the best people and if you are going to do it you should do it with the best. Second, I am smart enough to know that I could get myself in serious trouble meeting strangers and I know you will keep me safe.  If  you don't want that responsibility you should be completely honest with me.
  7. You are incredible at taking care of me, even from five hours away.  I don't say it nearly enough, but thank you.
  8. All the other ones are logistics, important logistics but just logistics, this one is the important one.  I know I say it but just so you know.  I LOVE YOU.
Hopefully that will hold my insane brain together for a little while.


Saturday, July 22, 2017

The Things I Haven't Told to The Man I Tell Everything

I am not terribly proud of it but most of my relationships are not even remotely based on trust, love, or honesty.  Don't get me wrong, I don't lie about who I am and what I do as a rule. However, I usually give people what they think they want me to be.  My personality has many different sides so most of the time I just use the side that fits the person I am with.  Slut, caretaker, innocent, ingenue, etc., etc.  I also don't volunteer information with most people.  So although I have always been honest about who I am they actually know very little about me, how I feel, or the struggles that I have.

Like most things in life there is an exception.  He has always been, mostly, transparent with me.  Well with pretty much anyone.  When he was an asshole the one thing you can say is that he was an honest asshole.  I have no doubt that he will always be honest with me, even if it hurts me, a lot.  He is the only person that I know who is truly open minded.  Lots of people claim to be, but then they find out things about you and the judgement begins.  Not him, I have never felt judged by him.  As a consequence of this I have always just effortlessly told him the truth about me.  I don't hold anything back, even if it hurts him, a lot.

Except that now it is different.  I am twenty years older, I have had four kids, I have a frightening number of health problems.  All of this leads to truths about me that are mortifying to me.  Although I know that he still wouldn't judge me for anything, especially health issues, I am terrified that he will just instinctively be turned off by these things.  That I will no longer be beautiful and compelling to him. If I said this to him I know what he would say.  He would use that, I can't believe I have to say this out loud, tone of voice and he would tell me that none of my medical issues would ever change the way he feels.  I know that is true, but you cannot always control what your instinctive reaction is to something.  I don't know if I will ever tell him all this but I need to purge my system of it so...

Deep breath and here we go

I have chronic renal failure.  My kidneys are progressively dying.  This isn't a new truth.  I have told him this before.  The symptoms of this disease are what I have been hiding.  The almost constant pain that runs through my back and into my urinary system.  The fact that I get bladder infections after every single time that I have sex.  The fact that I have to take medication after every time I have sex to prevent my urinary system from shutting down completely.  Plus the one that is hard even to type, I am about 40% incontinent.  Dear god that is hard to say, even if I am just saying it to myself.  Due to the general toxicity of my system I also have horrible skin.  One of the biggest reasons that I am considering not doing chemo is because it would finish my kidneys off for good.  They will do that soon enough on their own, they don't need any help.

I have aplastic anemia.  Which means that my blood marrow is not making enough red blood cells.  The only real side effects of this particular problem is that I am pale, have weak muscles, and dizzy spells.  The real problem is that I have to occasionally have blood transfusions and eventually I will have to have a bone marrow transplant if I want to keep living.

The cancer probably has the least amount of side effects.  The treatment truly is worse than the disease.  As I read this it sounds like a pathetic attempt to get attention even to me, but that isn't what this is.  I need for him to know everything.  He was always the person I could tell anything to.  It has been hurting me that I was keeping most of this from him, at least the embarrassing parts.  I need to be able to be completely honest or this isn't going to work.  I know this reads like a desperate bid for attention, but I don't want attention because of the things that are wrong with me.  I want acceptance for the things that are wrong with me and attention because of the things that are right and because of love.

Now the only question is whether I will be brave enough to send him the link.


Sunday, July 16, 2017


I am struggling with something.  Okay, that is way too simplistic.  As is usually the case, I am struggling with lots of things all at the same time.  The difference is that this time most of what I am struggling with can be summed up in one word.  Acceptance.

I am good at acceptance of the big things.  Freedom of speech means freedom of speech, even if I think that you are evil and horrible, that is your right.  What form your private life takes is all about you and I am good with it.  Most of the time I am even completely good with learning all about something new to me.  Short of injuring someone else, how you make your money is between you and your god.  As rule I am good at the big, broad strokes of the concept.  It is the personal and specific things that I am having a problem with.

I can't change what people want, specifically what they want from a relationship with me.  I tend to have one of two types of relationships.  Either the other person is way more into me than I am into them, or I am way more into someone than they are into me.  The latter of the two happens more the older I get.  However, that is NOT the situation that I am struggling with now.  I am in a relationship where the attraction and emotional connections are fairly equal on both sides.  The acceptance problem comes when you start to talk about expectation.

I am bad about expecting too much too soon, but this may be bigger than that.  I naturally expect for him to be my Top, in the way that he was before, but also in a bunch of ways that would be new for both of us.  It starts with the fact that he naturally takes good care of me, he always has.  Then you add the fact that he challenges me, he guides me through new things, he corrects me when I am being irrational, impatient, or just a pain in the ass. He soothes my soul and challenges my intellect. I can lean on him, learn from him, and enjoy him. At this point in my life I would, not only benefit, but also thrive in this type of relationship. I am not certain that any of this is unreasonable.  Now I need to erase all these expectations from my mind and accept the wonderful I have.  Acceptance is hard.

I am sick.  I have several conditions that can be life threatening, and are certainly affecting the way I live my life.  Sick isn't something I can change.  I can do all the things that are required of me to try to make me healthier, but ultimately I have absolutely no control over what is happening to my body and my life.  Now I have to accept that it is, what it is.  Now I have to accept that I can only do so much.  Now I have to accept that my life will be altered and possibly shortened.  Acceptance is hard.

I write this blog to get everything out of my head so I can try to make sense of it.  Not sure that it is possible to make more sense of these things.  They are what they are and the best thing I can do is accept them, and that is what I am struggling with.


Saturday, July 8, 2017

Lazy and Demanding

First the entirely too wordy preface.  Half of me thinks labels are ridiculous.  People are never only one thing.  They don't like or dislike any one thing.  Every person demonstrates traits differently.  It is impossible to describe someone accurately, or know them thoroughly, from just the labels attached to them.  Half of me thinks that labels are awesome.  I can use one word, instead of a whole paragraph, to communicate to a whole community of people something about my psyche and what makes me tick.  I can find people who may identify with my desires and interests.  Plus, and I get how this makes me a little crazy, I feel safe knowing that I belong.

Having said all that, I identify myself as a sub and very occasionally a slave.  I feel safest and happiest when I have someone who takes care of me.  Keeping a handle on my destructive behavior, guiding me to the place where I am honest and open, allows me to take responsibility for my behavior without shame or emotional abuse, guides me through things that I find terrifying into pleasure, is willing to do all the physical things that keep me balanced and demonstrate the consequences of my actions.  There is more but that should give the basic idea.

The question here is, does all of this make me a sub or does it just make me lazy and demanding?  Do I identify myself in this way so that I don't have to do anything or take any responsibilities in relationships?  Am I just looking for someone to take all the burden that should be shared between two people in a relationship?  Am I never going to be satisfied with any relationship because no one will be able to provide everything that I want in a relationship?

I don't want to be lazy and demanding.  I really do see submission as a gift.  Perspective is sometimes hard to achieve when you are looking at it from your own angle.  I wonder, will the people that know me best have the answers to some of these questions, and if they do will they be honest with me?  If the worst is true, how do I even begin to fix these things?

So, am I submissive or am I lazy and demanding?

Rose ;)

Wednesday, July 5, 2017


Women are beautiful. No matter the size, no matter the style. They are all beautiful.

I am most attracted to the ones with curves. They are soft, they feel fabulous, and they are absolutely gorgeous. I am enjoying appreciating.

Rose ;)

Tuesday, July 4, 2017


What does self-centered look like?

Is it my need to have someone acknowledge everything I say?  Is it my desire to have constant reassurance from the people I love?  Is it my expectation to be the center of someone's universe exactly when I want them?  Is it the way that I constantly try to impress?  Is it the justification of my bad behavior?  Is it all these things?  Is it everything that I have become?

I am hurting someone that I love.  This has created two thoughts. First is that I love him and don't want someone to be hurting him even if it is me.  This thought makes me want to say that he would be much better off without me, especially right now.  I feel like I should tell him that I am going to walk away, because I love him, and maybe some day I can come back the person he deserves to have in his life.  This is my love for him that says he deserves the best life he can possibly have and I am not that right now.

The second thought is that I desperately don't want to loose him.  It is physically painful to think about him not being in my life.  He comforts and challenges me and those are two things that are damn near impossible to find in the same person.  I am a better person with his influence in my life. He has made being really sick not quite so bad, even bearable.  I could spend days just silently looking in his eyes.  I have never had conversations with anyone that I enjoy as much as I enjoy talking to him.  His voice soothes my soul.  This is my love for myself saying that I need him for my selfish reasons.

Does he get anything out of this relationship?  Am I just too difficult to merit keeping me around? Am I even capable of being a person of substance anymore?  Is it really the emotional turbulence that makes these undesirable qualities so prevalent?  Am I strong enough to do the right thing?  What is the right thing?

I have no idea what self-centered looks like, but I am afraid it might look like me.