Saturday, June 17, 2017

Addiction and Cancer

I have been addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth, heroine, oxy, cutting, food, shopping, sex and people.  By far the most painful addiction is people.  Heroine almost ruined my life, but it didn't break my heart.  You need a living breathing person to have your heart broken.

The first person who broke my heart was my mother.  She did it so thoroughly that I built a solid steel wall between my heart and the rest of the world.  I could feel some but there was no chance the I was ever going to be in love.  I formed attachments, but not any that I couldn't walk away from.  I was the queen of picking up and walking away at a moments notice.  I was addicted to finding something new and I left a trail of hearts in my wake.  It never occurred to me that I was hurting anyone.  It never occurred to me that they could be in love with me when I wasn't in love with them.  I left a lot of really good people behind.

Then, at 25, I got cancer for the first time.  Being told that you might be murdered by a disease at 25 can change everything about you.  I didn't instantly change but I certainly grew up.  Then, at 29, I got cancer for the second time.  Everything changed, I saw people as people, I cared what I was doing to others and finally I was capable of falling in love.  It was then that I learned what all those people whose hearts I had broken felt when I disappeared. I started to live with, and deal with the pain and guilt from all those years when I felt nothing.

They told me I couldn't have any more children.  I was blessed with two more beautiful, wonderful, amazing babies.  Having them almost killed me and no one thought I should go through with it, but for the first time someone else was more important to me than me. This is when I learned what real love meant.  I also learned that love hurts, a lot.  I got to feel what happens when your heart breaks.

I am 42, and I was just diagnosed with cancer for the third time.  I can not even put into words how terrified I am.  I have aplastic anemia, kidney disease, and cancer. I know who I am and I know what I want in my life for whatever life I may have left.  Now I am learning what it feels like to need people that don't need me.  I have absolutely incredible friends.  These are the best people to ever walk the planet, but these people have lots of life in their lives.  I have become the one who is needy, high maintenance, and dependent. I am the complete opposite of what I was at 25.

So now I take some space, I look at my life and I realize, it takes a living breathing person to have your heart broken.


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