Friday, June 27, 2014

My Amazing Man

I have an amazing man in my life.  He is trying so hard to give me what I need.  Believe me when I say that I am not easy to live with.  I am moody, bitchy, mouthy, and I always think that I am right.  It takes a lot of effort to try to reign all of that in.  It would be so much easier on him if he just threw in the towel and didn't try.

That isn't what he is doing.  He is stepping up and letting me know that I AM going to be taken in hand.  The last couple days have been an excellent example of this.

He has a favorite implement.  I think most HoH's have a favorite.  His is a particularly wicked implement for two reasons.  I have a high pain tolerance, so I need something that is going to make an impact, and we need something quiet.  The quieter the implement the nastier it is.

A few days ago I asked him to take that implement off the table.  He agreed without a fight and said that if I truly wasn't okay with it then he wouldn't use it.  Then he spanked me with the other implements and I complained that they didn't have enough impact (see why it would make sense for him to throw in the towel).  He didn't bitch or tell me how insane I was being (even though I was).

We talked it all out and agreed to use the nasty Z (that is what he calls his favorite implement) but only for ten strokes or less.  This allows for the impact without causing any damage.  He also sat down with me and went implement shopping online.  We bought some more implements that will hopefully have the necessary impact without the noise.

Until then he is trying new things to see if he can find something that works without him having to worry about injuring me.  Because as we all know punishment is supposed to hurt but not injure.  He is really bending over backwards to make this work.

Even though last nights punishment did not have quite enough impact it was effective.  It is the knowledge that he is willing to do whatever it takes.

I have the most amazing man. Now if I can just get him to spank for long enough that I stay sorry for several days we will be in business.  (You didn't really think I was going to go a whole post without complaining about something.)


Spank Button

I saw this on Facebook and it made me smile so I thought I would share.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014


Wow.  That post this morning was a real downer.  It is scary what goes on in my head sometimes, but that is why I have the blog.  So I can get what is in my head, out, and then I can gain some much needed (scary word) PERSPECTIVE.

It does not always work.  This morning it worked great.  I got it all out in print where I could go over it instead of letting it build up and make me crazy.  I wrote Vincent an email telling all of what was going on in my head, and since I had already worked through it I could do it with some much needed (surprise, surprise) perspective.

I gave some thought to how he feels and how I could be honest and open with him without accusing and being mean.  I think that I did a bang up job of it if I do say so myself.  We are getting there.  He is such a wonderful man.  I don't know if he has read the email.  I know that he has had a really rough day.  Instead of telling him to suck it up and how hard I had it I told him how sorry I was and that I would be here at the end of the day to help him feel better.  In turn, instead of withdrawing or being an ass he called to see if I wanted him to pick up chicken for dinner and he was open and loving.

I have probably read a million posts discussing why it is that we do ttwd.  I can tell you why in two words.  It works.  It takes care of all the crap that gets in the way and allows us to just focus on our love for each other.  I have never been more grateful for one single day than I am for the day that I found DD.


Hair Pulling

My last blog was a little heavy and unsettling so I thought I would post this pic to make me smile.


The Random Stuff In My Head

I love my man.  I really do.  I don't want to be a crazy person.  I really don't.

Yet I still torture him, and it is not intentional.

Last night my man says to me, "Your thinking is more complicated than Physics.  I will still be trying to figure you out when I die."

Personally I think the truth may be more along the lines of me being as complicated as string theory and if he lived forever he still wouldn't figure me out.

Vincent works so hard to give me what I need and want.  I am not really talking about his job and providing material things, although he does that as well.  He works really hard to give me emotionally what I need so that I am happy.  The problem isn't him it is me.

I have been spanked like every day since we restarted this.  He gave up his favorite implement because I said I thought it might be a little over the top.  Then I realized that I wasn't happy with him just using the lighter implements.

I could not bring myself to tell him this.  I just cannot justify telling this man who is working so hard to do what I need so we have a happy home, "No, sorry, you are still just doing this wrong."

First of all I am really trying not to top from the bottom.  I ask instead of tell, and suggest and accept when we differ on opinions.  Secondly, it has only been a week since we started this again.  I am not stupid.  I do stupid stuff sometimes (it is possible it is more than sometimes), but I am not stupid.  I know that we will grow into this and all the bumps will be worked out with time.

I don't want to wait.  I want it to work.  I want it to work now.  I want to feel all the peace and security that will come if I can keep my fingers out of it and let ttwd do what it does.

I don't want to wait, I want it all now. (Picture a petulant toddler with arms crossed, lip stuck out, stomping my foot.)  Yeah, I know, mature.

He says that we are okay this morning.  I feel like I have done damage to us.  Perhaps serious damage because I am not sure he is really believing that I am all in because of my attitude.

This is one of the reasons for this blog.  I am not going to tell him all this and have him feel like I am criticizing again.  I refuse to put another stick of dynamite under our fledgling relationship.  Now that I got this off my mind I am going to suck it up and let things proceed naturally being the best possible wife that I can.

I have heard a million times that the best way to get a strong HoH is to be submissive (awful, evil, hateful word).


Monday, June 23, 2014

Mouth, Spanking, Sex, Confession, Spanking, Sick Kid

I know that the title is long but it is very informative don't you think.  I suppose that it is not necessary for me to type the whole story but, of course, I am going to anyway.

After the drunken email I was understandably nervous.  Either my heart or my butt was going to be very sorry.  I was actually quite proud of myself.  I did not badger about it the minute he came in.  I helped carry all the stuff in and started unpacking.  Vincent being Vincent, he didn't say anything.  The fluttering in my stomach was starting to get a little insane.

I was leaning over a box unpacking and without saying a word he came over and started smacking my butt with a great sense of purpose.  My first reaction was pure joy (yahhh, he cares enough to continue with this).  My second reaction was nausea (WHAT have I done, I am not going to be able to sit down for a week).  Interestingly enough I have figured out that both reactions were absolutely accurate.  (Well sort of, that would be the part about the sick kid that I will get to later.)

Things proceeded normally and I just mentioned (as a helpful tip...not being mouthy at all) that if he had bought and used the higher SPF sunscreen that I had recommended that no one would have the sunburns they had.  It would seem that I may have made that observation in a less than respectful tone of voice (*gasp*).

Vincent was not amused.  He firmly took my hand and led me to the bedroom. Side question...Am I the only one who gets that funky feeling in my stomach that is part huge admiration and part abject terror when my man gets all HoHy.

He puts me over the bed and picks up the horrible Z and proceeds to do a dozen hard swats over my shorts.  He puts Z down and half of me is insanely happy, half of me is a little disappointed because I think he is done.  I am wrong (shock and awe, yeah it happens occasionally).  He picks up the switch and pulls my shorts and underwear down and proceeds to switch my butt with that fabulous technique he seems to have picked up over night.

It was not long and was not painful, but it made my heart about burst in happiness to know that he was going to take this new role completely and totally and give his all to me and our family.  He pulled up off the bed and into his arms.

"That was for your mouth.  Do you understand?"

"Yes sir.  Thank you sir."  I am a happy girl.

"You will be getting plenty more when the kids go to bed."  I am an extremely anxious happy girl.

The kids get a movie and snuggle into bed.  No sooner are the kids in bed than I find out that what I am going to be getting more of is way more interactive than what I had been picturing.  He uses the good girl implement and we do all sorts of fun and adult things to each other.

The only flaw in the perfect picture is that I am feeling insanely guilty because I have been smoking in the house all weekend (which I know is a big no-no).  I wait till we are resting and glowing ( I am not  a complete idiot...sometimes anyway) before I get the nerve to give my confession.

"I am not really your good girl.  I don't deserve the good girl implement."

"What did you do?"
"What did you do?"
Putting down the good girl implement and picking up the evil Z.  "You are only making this worse.  Tell me what you did now."  Lovely 'I am the boss' voice.

"I smoked in the house all weekend."  Smack, smack, smack.
"Not in the window."  Smack, smack, smack.
"On the couch, and in the bedroom." Continuous hard whipping on my bottom.

"That is it.  Bend over."  What is it about the phrase 'bend over'.

Firm and disappointed voice lecturing me on knowing better and how I am going to learn not to break this rule.  Continuous whipping my backside which is starting hurt (a lot) and I am starting to squirm.

"You will stay still and take this little girl."  Starts counting.  I think maybe I am done at ten, no, I think I am done at twenty, no, I am bouncing all over the place and starting to moan.

He gets to thirty and stops with Z.  I sag on the bed with relief that we are done.  Nope.

He picks up the small whippy thing.  Now he uses this a lot in fun spanking and it usually hurts just enough to feel good.  I am shocked.  This does not feel good.  I cannot believe one of my favorite toys and be this painful.  Solid steady whipping on my backside and no matter how hard I try I cannot stay still.

"That will be ten more for moving around.  Now hold still."

"Yes, sir."

I didn't think he could hit harder.  He did.  Counting to ten and adding one at the end that made me pull completely out of his hold and roll over.

He pulls me into his arms and tells me that it will not happen again or it will get worse.

My butt is nice and warm and stingy.  After about thirty minutes though most of the pain has subsided and I am just in my happy glowing place.  Apparently I get stupid when I am in my happy glowing place.

He asks me if my butt hurts and I blissfully reply that it doesn't hurt at all. (Told you I get stupid.)

"Really.  Turn back over now."

"No, I don't need more I promise."

"Over now."  Tapping it on his hand.

I roll over.  Knowing that I deserve what I am getting and probably much, much worse.  Every few swats he asks if it hurts.  I ask if I have to be honest, and when he says yes I have to say not really because even though it hurts it is not that really hurting, I cannot take this pain that punishment is supposed to be and I know that is what he is really asking.

Unfortunately (fortunately) my daughter knocks on the door just then and says that her brother has thrown up.  We are both up and into their bedroom immediately.  When we are all done cleaning and tucking in and are laying cuddled on the bed the other shoe drops.

"We had a kid emergency which is more important than anything, but you will be getting the rest tomorrow night."

Small amount of apprehension because I am not altogether insane and I know that at the rate he is getting the hang of this my butt is going to be hurting a lot soon.  I really do not enjoy punishment while it is happening.  However, the glow and feeling of safety are huge because I know that my man is there to care for and protect me, even when it is from myself.


Sunday, June 22, 2014

Don't Drink and Email

The moral of the story is: Don't Drink and Email.  I know, I know the moral is supposed to come at the end of the story, but this story is far from over and I already learned the moral.  I feel it is my duty to pass this along to anyone out there who might be listening.  Mostly I need to write it down so that I never, never, NEVER forget it again.

This is the email I sent Vincent after four beers last night.

I know you have been out of town.  I know you are out of chew.  I know it can be difficult dealing with the kids alone for days.  I know you are probably tired.  I know that the last thing you want to deal with is spanking me.  I know all this and yet I need you to step up.  I need you to punish me.  I need you to do it thoroughly.  I need you to not just use Z.  I need you to take the time to warm me up and then do a nice long spanking no matter how much I beg.  I need you to put me in the corner with my spanked bottom on display.  I need you to call me back to the bed and give me more even though I know that I cannot take any more.  I need you to lecture me about behaving myself; not smoking in the house and not going off on you even when you aren't there.  I need to hurt every time I try to move for the next few days.  I need you to continue to spank me with corner time and lecture when I mouth off or disobey even if my backside is already sore from what I get on Sunday. I need the immediate reaction like you sometime give me taking me to the bedroom, closing the door, and spanking me soundly even when the kids are awake if I get out of line.  I need you to spank even when you are tired and have had a rotten day at work.  I know I need too much, but if you want me in your life, a life without fighting and with me being your good girl and wanting you every minute of the day, then this is what I need.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't this person but I am.  You have apparently decided to live your life with me even if it is just because I am all you can get.  Even if it is just because I am convenient this is what I need.  I need to be able to say that I love you.  I know you don’t feel it and I don’t want you to say it, but I need to say it.  No matter if all this is true I need you to put forth this effort so that I know that you care enough to make this work.  Even if I am a little drunk and that is the only reason that I am being this honest this is what I need.  If you choose to give me what I need I will know this by your actions on Sunday and I will be your good girl and submit completely.  I can give you what you want and need but the time has come for you to give me what I need.  You don’t have to marry me but you do need to commit to me and what I need.   I am not sure that I have the guts to send this but if I do then I am asking, please, make this relationship work and give me what I need.

Now there are two ways that I can see this playing out.  The best possible thing would be that Sunday night I get the spanking of a lifetime and I learn several lessons at once.  The worst is that he does nothing and pretends like I never even sent it.

Now some people would think that getting the spanking of a lifetime does not sound like a good outcome, but for us it would be awesome.  It would mean that we are going to make it, together.  If he does nothing then he doesn't care and we have no chance and this is something I don't even want to consider.

It is going to be a long day.


Saturday, June 21, 2014

I Am Not Going To Email or Text Him This Weekend

So I made a vow to myself that I was not going to text or email Ed this weekend.  Especially not about anything DD.  

Yeah, right!!!!

There was so very little chance of me actually refraining that even I knew it was a lie.  I did try....sort of.  I had a wonderful realization.  It was a really important realization.  Yeah I don't buy this line either.

I realized that I practically begged to do him some sexual favors before he left for the lake.  Now I know that the reason for this is that he is being all manly and HoH and this turns me on like nothing else.  When he stands up to me and thoroughly punishes me I feel protected, loved, cared for, taken care of; use whatever phrase you want.  However, I am still not sure that he understands any of this so I felt it necessary to email him and tell him all about it.

That would have been great except I could not resist adding some purely helpful (pushy and controlling) tips about using warms up spankings so that he can be more thorough and not have to worry about bruising.  I was just trying to help.  Yeah, I was trying to help him do things my way.

Here is the problem.  He has said before that he doesn't have any references on this lifestyle and he is not the "go out and find a mentor/ read blogs for information" type of guy.  He also told me that if there is something he needs to know about how this can work well for us I should share.  However, I know he gets sick of hearing about, talking about, being bombarded with, this whole DD thing especially my concern (obsession) with spanking.

I have not heard from him.  So now I am convinced that he is already sick of it and has decided that it isn't worth the effort and doesn't want to bother.  I am heart sore.  

During a punishment I usually think that I have lost my mind and I would much rather do almost anything than what we are doing, but at times like this I would sooooooo much rather be bottom sore than heart sore.


Friday, June 20, 2014

Me, My Mouth, and My Bad Attitude

It has been an eventful two days.  I am determined to not top from the bottom and learn to truly be submissive.  BUT... I am going to need lots of help and I am not sure if my butt will be anything but insanely sore for the next couple months at least.

Vincent has not had any trouble getting back into his dominant role.  He is requiring me to use Sir, and continually corrects my tone of voice and attitude.  It sounds overbearing but it is what I will require for a while until I get into the right place and start behaving properly.

I almost made a mess of him trying to spank me again.  He told me I had punishment coming and that I was to bare my bottom and lean over the footstool.  He brought out the horrible, nasty Z and I leaned over the footstool.

First mistake, I didn't take off my panties and he had to pull them down even though he had specifically told me to take them off.  In my defense I was nervous.  It has been several months since I was spanked for punishment.  However, I think my mistake just served to remind him of all the mouthing off and disobeying I had been doing for two days.

So he pulled my panties down and started swatting my bottom and the pain was insane.  I know that it was a combination of going without for a while and that he isn't nearly as timid as he used to be, but this hurt.  I kicked and wiggled and pulled completely out of position.

He actually only managed four or five swats before I pulled away completely.  I know that this is a major no-no, but like I said I am going to need serious help with where my head is.

Now Vincent is a very good man, and really has no desire to hurt me.  He stopped, held me, and we moved on to other things.  It was wonderful but there was nagging guilt in the back of my head.  I knew that I had not gotten the spanking that I needed and deserved because I had stopped it, and that is just wrong.

I let it simmer for about an hour and then I decided I had to apologize.  I got down on my knees in front of him.  I wanted him to know I was apologizing and not trying to tell him how to punish me.  I told him that I knew that I had not gotten the spanking that I should have because I pulled away.  I told him I was sorry and that I was ready to take my punishment like a big girl.

He sighed real big and I was afraid he thought that I was trying to tell him to spank me so I made sure that he understood that I was just apologizing and putting myself in his hands and it was up to him what to do.  I think that he really respected that and told me that I did have more punishment coming.

We went to the bedroom and he got out that horrible nasty thing.  I took off my panties and laid over the bed this time just like I was supposed to.  He definitely gave me what I had coming. He spanked me hard and didn't stop when I wiggled or apologized or begged.  It was an exceptional job at being the HOH that I love so much.

Now you would think that a woman who got spanked that well would be on her best behavior the next morning.  You would be wrong.  I was mouthy and bossy and obnoxious this morning.  He told me that when he gets back from the lake on Sunday night he will be doing a more thorough job since I obviously didn't learn from last night. Yeah my stomach dropped to my feet.  I definitely have a bad one coming.

Now you would think that a woman who already knows that she is going to be getting a severe spanking would behave herself.  You would be wrong.  We were in the bedroom talking and I mouthed off again.  Yeah I am apparently really hard headed.  I wish my butt were as hard as my head.

He told me to shut the door, lifted my skirt, put me over the bed and proceeded to swat some obedience into my behind.  My already sore behind was searing in pain from the very first swat.  Even though I only got a dozen swats they were hard and I got the point that he wasn't happy.  I was also informed that depending on how I behave this weekend he might take away half of what I was going to get on Sunday.

So this weekend it will be just the three of us hanging out alone cleaning the house and contemplating another very sore ass.  Me, my mouth, and my bad attitude.


Thursday, June 19, 2014

Can I get it right this time?

So we ran into some complications.  Well just one complications really - me!  I got in my own way until I screwed it all up (one of the reasons that DD is necessary).

The whole thing really worked very well.  Vincent was embracing the role and feeling great about being the man and I was really much happier.  However, I had a picture in my head and I spent most of my time topping from the bottom trying to make that picture perfect.  Yeah, perfect is sooooooo not what we are going for here.

So after a couple months of relative bliss and then a huge, blow-out fight that lasted two days (okay maybe just a few hours out loud, but two days me yelling in my head), I finally sent THE email.  You know the one.  I desperately miss my man and I know I screwed it up and I have just been to embarrassed/scared to tell you all this.  We had a good face-to-face where I told him that this time I was going to respect his setting the rules, expectations, and punishments.  My job is to be submissive and work at making him the happiest man he could possibly be while being the best mother I can possibly be.

After this (admittedly difficult conversation) my first responsibility was to make a new implement to replace the nasty Z that I had gleefully torn apart and thrown away when the DD stopped.  I was eager to show that I really am going to submit, so I didn't even hesitate to go to the closet immediately and fulfill his request.

I thought I remembered how much it hurt.  I was horribly, horribly wrong.  I really do have a fairly high pain tolerance, but man that thing stings.  I got to be reminded as soon as I was done crafting it.  He swished it in the air a few times and then uttered the dreaded words.

"Bare your butt so we can see if it works."

I am not used to submitting to spankings anymore and I found that I had to stifle the retort that sprang to my mind.  I didn't want to offer a better target than I had to so I just stood and lifted my skirt.  Two swats and I remembered how much that things hurts.

Two things I have realized.  First I think he is going to be a little timid at first because some part of his brain still says that I quit the first time because he hurt me.  Second I am not very good at this submission thing even if I really want to be.  If I was submissive and he was really comfortable I would have lifted my skirt, pulled down my panties, and leaned over the footstool, and he would have given me the very thorough whipping that (no matter how much it pains me to admit it) I deserve and need.

He didn't and I didn't get anymore.  I did manage to get past my embarrassment and ask if we can restart the good girl spanking and he agreed.  When he came home last night he had two nice new switches waiting on his side of the bed.  Again he was tentative.  Just a few swats although they were not light.

I am currently desperately fighting the urge to break a rule to get him to give me the spanking that I know I deserve.  This is a horrible work in opposites for me.  After I am thoroughly punished I feel so much better and Vincent and I are so much closer.  Everything just feels better, except my butt.  This creates the problem.

I am a total and complete self-admitted major SPANKO (yes in all caps).  I looooove sexy and good girl spankings.  I looooove the end emotional result of punishment spankings.  I am not insane (well mostly).  His favorite punishment implement hurts like hell.  It is insanely hard to take getting an appropriately heavy and severe punishment spanking, and for me it is necessary to be very thorough.  However, when I think about the pain my stomach flips and my brain screams WHY?????.

So here I sit having a vigorous argument with myself in my head.  The Angel and the Devil on the shoulders if you will.  Angel says, "You know how much it will help and it will make things all better, but you have to submit and wait and he will take care of it in his time."  Devil says, "Forget all that stuff! That thing is insane pain just get naked rub against him and beg him to switch you in that voice he can't resist.  It will feel great and relieve the stress.  Plus, hello great sex."

Decisions, decisions...