Sunday, July 16, 2017


I am struggling with something.  Okay, that is way too simplistic.  As is usually the case, I am struggling with lots of things all at the same time.  The difference is that this time most of what I am struggling with can be summed up in one word.  Acceptance.

I am good at acceptance of the big things.  Freedom of speech means freedom of speech, even if I think that you are evil and horrible, that is your right.  What form your private life takes is all about you and I am good with it.  Most of the time I am even completely good with learning all about something new to me.  Short of injuring someone else, how you make your money is between you and your god.  As rule I am good at the big, broad strokes of the concept.  It is the personal and specific things that I am having a problem with.

I can't change what people want, specifically what they want from a relationship with me.  I tend to have one of two types of relationships.  Either the other person is way more into me than I am into them, or I am way more into someone than they are into me.  The latter of the two happens more the older I get.  However, that is NOT the situation that I am struggling with now.  I am in a relationship where the attraction and emotional connections are fairly equal on both sides.  The acceptance problem comes when you start to talk about expectation.

I am bad about expecting too much too soon, but this may be bigger than that.  I naturally expect for him to be my Top, in the way that he was before, but also in a bunch of ways that would be new for both of us.  It starts with the fact that he naturally takes good care of me, he always has.  Then you add the fact that he challenges me, he guides me through new things, he corrects me when I am being irrational, impatient, or just a pain in the ass. He soothes my soul and challenges my intellect. I can lean on him, learn from him, and enjoy him. At this point in my life I would, not only benefit, but also thrive in this type of relationship. I am not certain that any of this is unreasonable.  Now I need to erase all these expectations from my mind and accept the wonderful I have.  Acceptance is hard.

I am sick.  I have several conditions that can be life threatening, and are certainly affecting the way I live my life.  Sick isn't something I can change.  I can do all the things that are required of me to try to make me healthier, but ultimately I have absolutely no control over what is happening to my body and my life.  Now I have to accept that it is, what it is.  Now I have to accept that I can only do so much.  Now I have to accept that my life will be altered and possibly shortened.  Acceptance is hard.

I write this blog to get everything out of my head so I can try to make sense of it.  Not sure that it is possible to make more sense of these things.  They are what they are and the best thing I can do is accept them, and that is what I am struggling with.


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