Monday, August 11, 2014

Finally Defining Punishment

Several things have happened lately that have made me do some rethinking.  First, (mostly for Vincent) I want to say that this is about my head space, how I am made, and what I need.  This is absolutely not about what Vincent is doing or not doing.  Yes it involves the spanking that he gives, but he is not wrong.  This is just an evolving process, and to be honest I have not been very forthcoming about my thoughts.

So the other night I got really upset with Vincent and refused to let him spank me, (not the right choice, ever) then I have told him several times that spanking is not a joke and it feels like that is how he is taking it, and there was a spanking that Vincent thought was very severe and honestly it would fall into the "good girl spanking" category for me.

I did eventually agree to and got the spanking that I had refused.  It was not pleasant. When he uses Z the spanking is never pleasant.  I would not ever put Z into the "good girl spanking" category.  It is most definitely punishment and it always hurts.  I have decided that this isn't about the pain in my butt, but the space in my head.   Even though it hurt and I wanted it to stop I also knew that I needed it to go on so that it got past the pain in my butt and then past the brick wall in my head.  Vincent is kind, loving, and just doesn't want to hurt me.  He is wonderful and I DON'T want to change this about him.  However, for the sake of him and my kids there are things I HAVE to change.  For whatever reason this thing called Domestic Discipline is the best way for me to change. (Why my mind works that way is a subject for a completely different blog.)

Yesterday I sent him a text telling him that I thought I needed a long session over his knee with the paddle to put me in the right head space for the week and give me something to think about when making choices.  Vincent totally stepped up to the plate and gave me what I asked for.  In my head the spanking I got last night with the paddle would qualify as a "good girl" or "foreplay" spanking.  Vincent did nothing wrong.  I have a high pain tolerance, hard butt, and hard brick wall in my head.  Add to that the fact that he is careful that he doesn't hurt me and we reach an impasse.

This impasse is my fault.  Because of my embarrassment and because I am still working this all out I have not been open enough about how I feel about spanking.  I have been incredibly tentative when trying to talk to him face to face about this whole thing.

Up until now the "good girl" or "foreplay" spankings have been on the front of my body and basically teasing in nature.  These are awesome and I don't want them to stop.  However, I have never told him that him telling me to get on my knees and alternating spanking so it hurts (not like Z, but like the paddles or maybe some leather) and fucking me from behind makes me wet and throbbing.  These kind of spankings can and should be fun, they can include joking and teasing, they can include attitude adjustment, role affirmation, reminders of rules, maintenance and some behavior correction.  In my mind punishment is completely different.

Punishment is not a joke and isn't open to teasing.  Punishment is a consequence of bad behavior and a deterrent to future bad behavior.  I should think about it, shudder and vow to never experience punishment for that reason again.  Punishment should not be in a comfortable position like laying on the bed, but something directly associated with punishment like over the knee.  To me putting me over the knee means, "I am putting you here because you are in trouble and I am going to have to hold on to you because you are going to want to run away from what I am going to do to you."  Punishment should include tears, more pain than you can tolerate, marks, bruises, genuine heartfelt remorse, restraint by hand or ties of some sort so I can't move away, and lots of pain in the butt the next day.

Okay, here is the admission that I do not want to make.  The punishment spankings I got as a kid are what punishment spankings should be.  I would never spank my children.  Not ever for any reason.  Kids are growing, they are small, they are vulnerable, they should be able to trust their parents completely.  However, for me, a consenting fully grown adult, punishment should be baaaad.

There are several reasons I haven't opened up about this.  I was embarrassed.  I am still figuring it out myself.  I am not insane (no, really, I'm not) so I don't look forward to putting in place a punishment that fits the bill and know that I will get it at some point.  I am going to be better, and I know that this can work.

Having said all that I will said that relationships are not all about one person.  What happens next depends on how Vincent feels about all this.  I know he isn't going to enjoy truly punishing me.  He is not sadistic.  He has no desire to really hurt me and doing so it going to be incredibly hard for him.  If it is not something that he can do then I will accept that and we will work it out together.  Now I just have to be brave enough to tell him.


1 comment:

  1. Here are some thoughts from a dom.

    First, punishment is about the mind (the "head space", as you say). So, I think you can speak to him about differentiating punishments from play.

    One way to make them different is to establish some guidelines for punishment. A "disciplinary framework" helps. This is a table that lays out the type of misbehavior in levels, the types of punishments normally given for those levels, and examples. For example, saying a bad word might be at a low level and causing a ruckus with friends would be at a higher level. About five levels is enough to provide guidance. The framework is guidance. The dom should use his/her discretion.

    But, basically, if you misbehave you both know what kind of punishment you are going to get for this. And if you repeat the misbehavior, the punishment level should go up.

    (This also works for children--minus the hitting. It gives consistency to discipline, which is very important for results. Children need discipline; they do not need to be hit, as you suggested.)

    Second, the culprit should connect the misbehavior with the punishment. If she doesn't feel she has misbehaved or understand the pain is a consequence of that behavior, then she won't feel punished and it won't have a deterrent effect. The disciplinary framework helps here, too, because she can be told, "You did X and that's going to get you this kind of punishment." The kind of punishment tells her the level of her misbehavior. It reminds her that this is punishment, not play.

    Third, smacking the bottom is only a part of the punishment. Another key element is realization that the behavior is bad. I sometimes ask the submissive to be very explicit. She is required to say, "I was bad. I did X and X is bad because (of reason). I deserve to be punished. Please punish me." This makes it clear that what follows is not play. It helps her understand she's getting a punishment. It can be very hard for her to say these words. (If you don't believe me, try it some time when you've been bad.)

    To distinguish the punishment from play I usually give the girl a lecture before and thought time afterward. Then I check she's got it. So, I make her clarify exactly what was bad, and help her understand if there's any confusion. It sounds like Vincent does this during the spanking, but you might ask him to start with this and continue it as he applies the pain.

    After the spanking I regularly give the girl corner time. I tell her she's got 5, 10, 15 minutes in the corner and I'll let her know when the time is up. I tell her I will then have some questions for her and she'd better get the answers right, or she might be back over the knee. After corner time the questions make sure she's clear why she's been punished. Corner time is an effective deterrent to repeat offense, sometimes more effective than a good whipping. I sometimes also give corner time before the spanking, providing a time for the submissive to dread what's coming. But I almost always give it after the spanking so she can associate it with a sore bottom.

    Finally, I want her to promise me she won't do it again, with the understanding she wants me to punish her if she does. The promise is another deterrent to future misbehavior because she knows that repeating isn't just bad behavior it's breaking a promise.

    I don't think you need to be hit harder to experience punishment. I think you need to clarify with Vincent what you expect from the punishment. You can incorporate whatever parts of this you want. I gave you a rather complete picture here because I think if you see it as a whole it might make it easier for you to get what you want.

    Good luck and let us know how it comes out!