Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Ouchy, Stingy, Yucky Implements and Why They Are Excellent

We have smallish kids and very close neighbors.  This means that we have to use quieter implements.  We used to use only implements that were close to silent.  Vincent has gotten over what the neighbors think to a certain extent and we have discovered that our kids would sleep through a brass band playing in their bedroom.  So, we do have some paddles now that are not as silent but still not real loud.

Vincent almost always uses these paddle type things for almost all spankings (except the sexy ones, which is another post entirely).  They are fine, but I have noticed something.  I have a hard butt and an even harder head.  I have honestly not had a spanking that made any real impact since he put away the nasty, ouchy, stingy, yucky silent implements.

He did it mostly because I asked him to.  Ok, ok, if I am completely honest I used guilt to get him to stop using them.  I did a really bad thing.  I told him that it was possible to injure me with those implements and then said, "You don't want that do you?"

Yeah, I know, it was horrible.  I suppose, technically, it is within the vast realm of very unlikely possibilities that those implements might possibly injure me.  Here is the problem.  I know very well that he would never, could never, injure me.  In the wrong hands the silent implements could injure but so could every other implement, and his hands are definitely not the wrong hands.

Here is the even worse part.  I knew all of this was true when I got him to stop using them.  I know that punishment is supposed to hurt.  It is supposed to hurt past the point where it isn't really a big deal.  It is supposed to be painful enough that I am sorry and I am thinking about it for a while.  I am not supposed to be looking forward to a punishment spanking, for the spanking itself.  I do look forward to putting the disobedience behind us and the closeness, but I really should be dreading the spanking part.  It is not supposed to be sexy and well within my tolerance level.

I am sure that there are people that disagree with me here, and that is fine, but this is about me.  For me a punishment spanking should have me begging and crying.  It is the only way that it is going to have the desired impact and help me in the way I need it too and the way he wants.

The truth is that the paddles should probably be used for warm ups and maintenance.  Punishment should be done with Z (horrible plastic coated wire hangar loop) and the tilt wand (the turny stick thing off the mini blinds).  He is not ever going to injure me, it just isn't possible.  I made him feel wary and guilty and it has had the consequence that he has been made ineffective.

Not only was I unfair, I told a bold face lie.

To Vincent:

I am so sorry.  I should never have done this to you.  I hope you can forgive me, and more important, get past the feelings that you could possibly injure me.  You couldn't.


Irritating and Needy vs. Desired and Productive

Vincent and I communicate differently.  He is concise and brief, a decide and move on kind of guy.  I talk things to death and then continue to beat them until they are a gelatinous puddle.  Combine that with the fact that we have had times in our relationship when we really didn't want to say anything to each other and it creates a problem with me internally.

We have really been focusing on communication and one of his big things is that I cannot shut down on him.  I have to tell him what is going on in my head and heart.  When I don't tell him things I get bitter and nasty.  The problem is that I always question whether he actually wants to hear what I have going on inside.

I desperately don't want him to be frustrated and irritated every time I open my mouth.  I don't want him thinking, "What now?"

He has repeatedly told me that he wants me to tell him everything.  So why is it that every time I have something in my I head the first thing I think is that I would just be annoying him by sharing it with him?  Why do I have such a hard time telling him everything?

Am I being irritating and needy or is what I have to say desired and productive?  I suppose that the only way to know is to ask, and then trust what he tells me is the truth.  Yeah the second part is going to be the toughest.


Monday, July 28, 2014

Scary Place

I started writing this blog so that I can work out what is in my head.  My head can be a scary place.  I try not to spend too much time in there.  If I do allow myself to spend time in my head I start to over think things to an extreme measure.  I dwell, brood, over-analyze and just make mountains out of ant hills in general.

So, the idea is that I take the stuff running around in my head and put it down in black and white.  Work through the thoughts and feelings.  Then leave them on the page.

Vincent is not a huge talker.  He is not really the strong silent type, but he will never enjoy talking something to death the way that I do.  He wants to state what is, decide, and then let it go.  So instead of trying to make him work through what is in my head I do that with this blog.  Then when I bring something to him it is focused and I have worked out a respectful way of saying it.

One of the things that I am really working on changing is making him feel that I am always telling him he is doing something wrong.  When I open my mouth I don't want him to think, "Oh no, what have I done now?"

He is working on not making that assumption and I am working on expressing my needs in a less combative manner.  For example, instead of telling him that he is doing something wrong, I tell him how I felt when something happened and ask him what he thinks we can do together to make us better.

I am also learning to simply accept, even especially when things do not go the way that I expect.  All those disappointing feelings still exist however.  Which brings us full circle to writing this blog to help me sort things out.

I said all that to say this, I need to actually write on my blog for it to do me any good.  I haven't been writing down anything lately.  Like many things that are good for me (exercise, quitting smoking, not eating things that are deep fried and covered in cheese) I just don't do it the way I need to for it to do me any good.

Welcome to my most recent new leaf.  Everyday, whether it is a paragraph or an essay, I am going to write something in my blog.  Today I am actually  going to write two posts.  I wanted to get all this out of my head and I need to process that last week.  I am actually starting to feel a little sorry for my blogger.


Thursday, July 10, 2014

Self Discipline

I really like science fiction.  I read and watch a great deal of science fiction material.  There is a principle in science fiction called - The Three Laws of Robotics.  For people who know science fiction they know and understand this idea.  For people who do not it is a a long explanation that would include a whole lot of stuff that would sound like blah, blah, blah.  I won't go into the whole thing.  Part of the concept, however, is the idea that a robot cannot allow harm to come to a human through their inaction.  So even if the robot had nothing whatsoever to do with situation unfolding in front of them they cannot just watch and let a human come to harm if there is something they can do to stop it.

I said all of that to say this.  I cannot think of a single time in my life where I have set out to do harm to another human being.  However, through my inaction and my unintentional actions and especially my not thinking first I have caused harm to others in my life.  

All the recent mess that I have seen in blog land has had me evaluating myself and my level of concern for how my actions or my failure to act has effected others.  I think that the key word for me has been responsibility.  I have at times blamed everyone but me for the things that I caused.  I try to live now with the idea that anything I do or do not do is my responsibility as are all the intended or unintended consequences.  I have also learned that, "I am sorry" is only a collection of syllables unless there are actions that go along with them.

I said all of that to say this.  (Yes I am getting to a point eventually.)  I have heard many times inside the DD world the criticism that women should have enough self discipline not to need their husband's discipline.  I think that self discipline is a good thing.  People should have an internal moral compass, and they should strive to be better people.  I also believe that men and woman are not identical.  No matter how sophisticated this world becomes the fact still remains that men and women are different.  I AM NOT saying that women do not have self discipline.  Women are perfectly capable of 'driving' in life.  We are strong and capable.  However, only one person can drive a car at a time.  Two people can discuss and decide and cooperate to get down the road, but there is still only one person driving.  In my OPINION it works much better, partly because of how women and men are different, when the man 'drives', and the woman has the respect, courage, and self discipline to be the navigator.  

At the end of all this pointless rambling I suppose the bottom line is that last sentence.  I suppose that what I was really trying to say is that this is what DD means to me.