Thursday, June 19, 2014

Can I get it right this time?

So we ran into some complications.  Well just one complications really - me!  I got in my own way until I screwed it all up (one of the reasons that DD is necessary).

The whole thing really worked very well.  Vincent was embracing the role and feeling great about being the man and I was really much happier.  However, I had a picture in my head and I spent most of my time topping from the bottom trying to make that picture perfect.  Yeah, perfect is sooooooo not what we are going for here.

So after a couple months of relative bliss and then a huge, blow-out fight that lasted two days (okay maybe just a few hours out loud, but two days me yelling in my head), I finally sent THE email.  You know the one.  I desperately miss my man and I know I screwed it up and I have just been to embarrassed/scared to tell you all this.  We had a good face-to-face where I told him that this time I was going to respect his setting the rules, expectations, and punishments.  My job is to be submissive and work at making him the happiest man he could possibly be while being the best mother I can possibly be.

After this (admittedly difficult conversation) my first responsibility was to make a new implement to replace the nasty Z that I had gleefully torn apart and thrown away when the DD stopped.  I was eager to show that I really am going to submit, so I didn't even hesitate to go to the closet immediately and fulfill his request.

I thought I remembered how much it hurt.  I was horribly, horribly wrong.  I really do have a fairly high pain tolerance, but man that thing stings.  I got to be reminded as soon as I was done crafting it.  He swished it in the air a few times and then uttered the dreaded words.

"Bare your butt so we can see if it works."

I am not used to submitting to spankings anymore and I found that I had to stifle the retort that sprang to my mind.  I didn't want to offer a better target than I had to so I just stood and lifted my skirt.  Two swats and I remembered how much that things hurts.

Two things I have realized.  First I think he is going to be a little timid at first because some part of his brain still says that I quit the first time because he hurt me.  Second I am not very good at this submission thing even if I really want to be.  If I was submissive and he was really comfortable I would have lifted my skirt, pulled down my panties, and leaned over the footstool, and he would have given me the very thorough whipping that (no matter how much it pains me to admit it) I deserve and need.

He didn't and I didn't get anymore.  I did manage to get past my embarrassment and ask if we can restart the good girl spanking and he agreed.  When he came home last night he had two nice new switches waiting on his side of the bed.  Again he was tentative.  Just a few swats although they were not light.

I am currently desperately fighting the urge to break a rule to get him to give me the spanking that I know I deserve.  This is a horrible work in opposites for me.  After I am thoroughly punished I feel so much better and Vincent and I are so much closer.  Everything just feels better, except my butt.  This creates the problem.

I am a total and complete self-admitted major SPANKO (yes in all caps).  I looooove sexy and good girl spankings.  I looooove the end emotional result of punishment spankings.  I am not insane (well mostly).  His favorite punishment implement hurts like hell.  It is insanely hard to take getting an appropriately heavy and severe punishment spanking, and for me it is necessary to be very thorough.  However, when I think about the pain my stomach flips and my brain screams WHY?????.

So here I sit having a vigorous argument with myself in my head.  The Angel and the Devil on the shoulders if you will.  Angel says, "You know how much it will help and it will make things all better, but you have to submit and wait and he will take care of it in his time."  Devil says, "Forget all that stuff! That thing is insane pain just get naked rub against him and beg him to switch you in that voice he can't resist.  It will feel great and relieve the stress.  Plus, hello great sex."

Decisions, decisions...

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