Thursday, March 13, 2014
I don't know if there is anyone out there who actually reads my blog, but if there is I really need some help.
Perhaps I am being a bit dramatic. It is not life threatening but it could threaten my relationship with Vincent and after my kids that is the most important thing in my life.
My kids are on spring break next week and the weather here has been beautiful so I have taken some "me" time this week. Just walking in the sunshine and thinking about everything or nothing at all. It was wonderful but my mental train took me down a track that has me really worried.
I realized that this whole DD thing with me and Vincent is being guided by me. I am not yelling, sulking, or creating walls between us anymore, but I have now learned more subtle methods. I am steadily and very subtly guiding what rules we make, what punishment happens, when it happens and even how. What is even worse is that I am subtly molding him into the HOH that I think he should be.
I truly didn't realize that I had been doing this. That wasn't my intention in any way. I truly wanted to give him the control and let him be the head. Now I don't know what to do or where to go from here. Do I tell him? Do we have to trash the whole thing now? Can this ever work for us where it is truly him leading and not me? How do I trust myself now that I know I can control situations so subtly I don't even know I am doing it?