My Scary Inner Monologue

A very brief view inside my head (be afraid, very very afraid).

"I wish that he would stop worrying about hurting me.  I need to be spanked hard enough and long enough so that it hurts the next day.  Like hurts when I walk and have to have a pillow to even think about sitting down kind of hurts.  He is just not getting me to the place I need to be where I am altering significantly.

Too soon.  It is just too soon.  I have to be patient.

Or he just really doesn't want to be doing this and he is going through the motions so that I will shut up because he needs me here to take care of the kids.  If he didn't need me he would just tell me I am being stupid and he is just not into me enough to even bother with any of this.

Maybe it is that he really does think this is just weird/sick and doesn't really want to do it.

Then why have a favorite implement and why does he want to name it.  I hate the name as much as I hate that stupid implement.  The problem is that he doesn't give me enough or hard enough.  Or often enough for that matter.

Why can't he be more like some of the men I have read about that make it count in a real way.

NO, no no no I cannot start comparing him to people in blogs.  I have to give it time.  This is all so new.

He has said several times that he doesn't like hurting me and he wants to make sure that I am ok, and he is cuddling afterwards.

That is it, I cannot do this anymore I will just email him and say he is off the hook and we are done.

He hates that.  Says that some of our problems are directly related to me always quitting and not being patient.  Fine.  Not thinking about this any more today.  Except to think about ways to get him to up the intensity and frequency.

Whatever."

That was your extra special look inside my head.  Hope you came out unscathed.  Now you know why ttwd is so important in our lives.