Thursday, March 13, 2014


I don't know if there is anyone out there who actually reads my blog, but if there is I really need some help.

Perhaps I am being a bit dramatic.  It is not life threatening but it could threaten my relationship with Vincent and after my kids that is the most important thing in my life.  

My kids are on spring break next week and the weather here has been beautiful so I have taken some "me" time this week.  Just walking in the sunshine and thinking about everything or nothing at all.  It was wonderful but my mental train took me down a track that has me really worried.

I realized that this whole DD thing with me and Vincent is being guided by me.  I am not yelling, sulking, or creating walls between us anymore, but I have now learned more subtle methods.  I am steadily and very subtly guiding what rules we make, what punishment happens, when it happens and even how.  What is even worse is that I am subtly molding him into the HOH that I think he should be.

I truly didn't realize that I had been doing this.  That wasn't my intention in any way.  I truly wanted to give him the control and let him be the head.  Now I don't know what to do or where to go from here.  Do I tell him?  Do we have to trash the whole thing now? Can this ever work for us where it is truly him leading and not me?  How do I trust myself now that I know I can control situations so subtly I don't even know I am doing it?



Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Surprise And A Request

Usually I am a big believer in men hanging out with their male friends and have male bonding time.  They have things they need to talk about with other guys and they need to blow off steam in a way they just can't do with women.  It is sort of equivalent to blogging here and talking to the women that I have met about the confusing things in my life, or hanging out with my friends and having drinks and laughing about nothing.

Having said that...

Vincent came home last week and told me he was going out with a guy from work next Tuesday (that would have been yesterday, no I don't think you are stupid I just know my references can be confusing).   For some reason this immediately got under my skin and I was irritated.  I didn't tell him about it in an adult and sane way, no I let it stew and grow in my brain.  This has made me progressively more snippy and nasty to him since Saturday.  

I have even had some punishment for my attitude and mouth.  Did I talk to him about what was bothering me in an adult way?  Of course not, that would have made waaaay too much sense.  I simply let it brew under the surface.  It came boiling out full force last night.

He didn't end up going out, but he didn't tell me this in advance (no this is not the surprise I was referring to in my title) he just showed up at the regular time.  We actually had a really good night.  We laughed, talked, were very intimate (yum) but there was still an elephant in the room.

When we were lying in bed cuddling in a wonderful way my brain chose to put my obnoxious mouth into high gear.  I just plain went off.  Interestingly enough there was not much reaction.  He was in a really good mood and he just commented lightly about my mouth and cuddled me closer.  

For a reason that I cannot fathom as I got up to go take some meds I said the one thing that he really doesn't like.  It is a big NO NO in our house.  I looked back, stuck out my tongue and said, "Whatever!"  He immediately reacts and tells me to come back to him now.  I must have been temporarily insane because my response is, "Yeah, that is so not going to happen." (Insert gasp and comments about how I am not real bright.)

So I come back to bed and he still seems to be in a good mood but he gets that HOH look and tells me to get naked and lay down.  This is Vincent's version of assume that position.  I know most men have different ways of saying it, but whatever he says it never leaves you wondering what is going to happen next.

I actually have the audacity to be surprised.  I think I even replied with WHAT.  All of a sudden he wasn't joking.  I finally did something smart and didn't fight, but just went to my fate quietly.  It was short and extremely painful.

He was in fine HOH form.  Lecturing and punctuating his words with the hardest hits he has ever used.  He is definitely getting past the fear of hurting me.  It hurt more than any other spanking he has ever given and it was probably only a dozen swats. 

So the question is, is it more intense when the spanking is a surprise or when you know about it in advance and have time to prepare?  Based on last night I would say that surprise is worse.  I don't have enough data to say for sure but I am definitely not a fan of the surprise spanking.  

Oh and after that my attitude was completely purged and my halo is safely back in place.

Now for something completely different.  I need some advice.  

Vincent has a big thing about privacy (I may have mentioned that once or twice ;). He wants quiet implements and I need some suggestions.  Give me everything you have because we also need to start varying intensity based on transgression so I want to give him some choices.  Thanks for your help.


Monday, March 10, 2014

That ONE Thing

Do any of you out there have the ONE thing?  The thing that really gets under his skin.  The thing that he will almost always spank for.

The thing that you CANNOT seem to stop doing?

Forgetting my keys.  That is my ONE thing.

It gets under his skin like nothing else that I physically do.  There are some mental things but that is just starting to be a work in progress.  The key thing I should have got by now.  In the last month I have been spanked three times for just that.  He never fails to spank for it and he actually starts to loose that timid, afraid of hurting me thing when it is this issue.  I remember the next day for sure.


At least I cannot remember my keys.

I blame it on the weather.  If I always wore the same jacket then they would always be in the pocket and I would always have them.

Tonight I get to face the very not happy man who has to deal with me forgetting my keys for the fourth time this month.

Think positive thoughts and maybe it won't be so bad (yeah I don't believe that either).

Sad, sore Rose will see you tomorrow.


Be Careful What You: Bitch About, Want, Nag, Ask For

I am sure that this is a blog that many people in ttwd blogland have blogged about in the past.  This would be the first time that it has happened to me and I am STILL learning the lesson.  Hopefully I will get it this time and not have to repeat this awful learning process again, but I am getting ahead of myself.

This all started on Monday when Vincent came home and announced that he would probably be loosing his job at the end of the week.  Now, I really do love Vincent with everything that I am so my first reaction was genuine concern and empathy for the pain, turmoil, stress that he must be feeling.

However, I am essentially a selfish person. So my second reaction, hard on the heels of the first, was to be pissy because he was going to come home exhausted and withdrawn and I wasn't going to be getting the attention I needed and wanted, punishment or otherwise (yeah, I know, you are incredibly shocked by this reaction).

So enter the passive aggressive subtly snotty Rose.  I really wasn't doing it on purpose.  I simply took on this personality.

It wasn't too bad until we came to bedtime and I went into full pout mode.  Vincent started out with the same approach he has always made, asking me what is wrong.  When I refuse to answer (yeah, no one saw that coming) he goes into full HOH mode and tells me to come to bed now and straighten up my attitude.

There was still a wall between us all night because we didn't talk at all.  So the next day comes with my attitude getting worse by the moment.  I went to this personality.

All he says that night is enough with the attitude.  I figure that we are just going back to the old way of me pouting and him shutting down.  Anyone want to guess how wrong I was?  WAY WAY WRONG!!

I go to bed to pout and he tells me to get naked and get in position because we are going to handle this situation.  (This is what I wanted, really I wanted this to happen, except not so much anymore).

I get the scary butterflies and start the, 'what was I thinking', inner monologue.

I guess I was taking way to long doing my inner monologue thing, because I got, "This is getting worse the longer I have to wait."

Where is the guy who wasn't getting this?  Where is the guy who wasn't on real sure footing yet?  Where is the guy who hadn't found his authority?  Stating the obvious: He was gone.

In his place I got a man who laid me over the edge of the bed and proceeded to use three different implements to remind my head, via my butt, of exactly how he wanted me to act.

I whined and squirmed, he told me the more I squirm the worse it gets and proceeded to hold me down.  I said I was sorry over and over, he told me that I was going to be sorry and I was going to learn.  He took his time, he was thorough, I was seriously rethinking this decision.

When he was done he pulled me into his arms and told me that I needed to try harder to remember and be respectful and that this was over and we had wiped the slate clean. I felt loved, cared for, and not even remotely guilty angry or

I was once again assured that this was the right thing for us.  However, during the punishment I have to admit I was cursing myself for ever even thinking about this or reading a single blog.

Be careful what you bitch about, want, nag, ask for.  Because your butt may end up getting it.


Friday, March 7, 2014

Not So Spanko??

I have posted in previous blogs that I am a self proclaimed spanko.  This has been a very true fact.  I have enjoyed playful and sexy spankings on many occasions and Vincent seems to like them as well.


Something seems to have shifted.  I have now experienced enough punishment spankings, and Vincent has gotten good enough at them, that I now find myself shying away from spanking.  It is like something has shifted in my brain.

Okay let me see if I can interpret the insanity in my head and put it into words.

Before punishment spanking.
Smacks on my butt turn me on and have me wanting more.  Always hot action when this is included.

After punishment spanking.
Spanking hurts a lot.  I do NOT want to do anything that will get me spanked.  I certainly don't want to associate it with something pleasurable.

Now, I should add that the after affects of him taking control and enforcing his authority are often hot sex.  This is not because I have enjoyed the punishment but that I feel so loved and cared for and he feels so manly.

Like I said before Vincent always seemed to enjoy the sexy spankings as well.  He has told me several times now that he does not like to punish me and is always thinking about making sure that he does no serious damage.  He says that I should hurt or it isn't punishment but I shouldn't be damaged or that is abuse.  He also seems to have no interest in the sexy spankings any more either.

I asked him about it and he said that his thinking seemed to have shifted and now spanking is serious and not a sexy game.  He says that there needs to be a separation so that punishment is taken seriously and it is not a game.

I was expecting a million things about our dynamic and life to change.  I was not expecting this.  Here is the really weird part.  Brace yourself...

I am really happy with the shift.  I think what I was really always looking for and not really getting was for him to assert his authority.  He is really doing this now and it isn't something we are just playing at, or something that is only part of sex.  His authority and my submission are how we live our lives now and I am much happier with this than I ever was with the sex play.

Who knew...I am not a sexual deviant.  Just a woman who needs to be a woman and have a real man in her life.  


Tuesday, March 4, 2014

My Scary Inner Monologue

A very brief view inside my head (be afraid, very very afraid).

"I wish that he would stop worrying about hurting me.  I need to be spanked hard enough and long enough so that it hurts the next day.  Like hurts when I walk and have to have a pillow to even think about sitting down kind of hurts.  He is just not getting me to the place I need to be where I am altering significantly.

Too soon.  It is just too soon.  I have to be patient.

Or he just really doesn't want to be doing this and he is going through the motions so that I will shut up because he needs me here to take care of the kids.  If he didn't need me he would just tell me I am being stupid and he is just not into me enough to even bother with any of this.

Maybe it is that he really does think this is just weird/sick and doesn't really want to do it.

Then why have a favorite implement and why does he want to name it.  I hate the name as much as I hate that stupid implement.  The problem is that he doesn't give me enough or hard enough.  Or often enough for that matter.

Why can't he be more like some of the men I have read about that make it count in a real way.

NO, no no no I cannot start comparing him to people in blogs.  I have to give it time.  This is all so new.

He has said several times that he doesn't like hurting me and he wants to make sure that I am ok, and he is cuddling afterwards.

That is it, I cannot do this anymore I will just email him and say he is off the hook and we are done.

He hates that.  Says that some of our problems are directly related to me always quitting and not being patient.  Fine.  Not thinking about this any more today.  Except to think about ways to get him to up the intensity and frequency.


That was your extra special look inside my head.  Hope you came out unscathed.  Now you know why ttwd is so important in our lives.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Snarky, Sarcastic Self

You ever have one of those moments when you realize how bad the infraction was, and the HoH says something along the lines of, "I assure you that you will remember this for a long time." Then your snarky, sarcastic self glares at you and screams, "THIS WAS ALL YOUR IDEA DUMB***!!"

Yeah, having one of those moments.  If I can sit down AT ALL I will tell all about it tomorrow.

Why?? Please Someone Tell Me Why??

It is Saturday and I am still sore from the punishment on Thursday night.  So you can imagine how much pain I was in on Thursday night.

And yet....

Before I tell you about the did-you-leave-your-brains-in-the-freezer incident I want to defend myself with a few points.  Even though I was born a natural submissive circumstances in my life turned me into a snarky, pouty, bitch at about the age of eight.  So we are trying to train out thirty years of attitude and we have only been doing this for about two weeks.

Now on with the how brainless can you act show.

The punishment didn't feel like it accomplished what it was supposed to, don't get me wrong it HURT, but I didn't feel cleansed of quilt and serene like I thought that I should have.  I am just starting to learn a submissive state of mind so I immediately went to blaming Vincent in my head.  This led to several snarky comments which led to a pouty attitude which led to me leaving bed and going to the living room.  He was still trying to be firm and get me to behave properly but my mind was just too screwed up to be reigned in.

Finally I said the 'horrible thing', just forget about all this Domestic Discipline thing, you obviously don't want this and are just after kinky sex.  He pointed out that he was all in and I was the one quitting(one of my exceptionally large attitude problems).  Eventually I did start talking, and the more I talked the calmer I got.  We got a lot of things worked out and we are on a much better path.

Hopefully next time I don't have to go through all the drama just to talk to him.  Yeah right.

Wire Loop of Pain

First things first, I thought it would be simpler for me and more concise if I ever have readers for me to use names for me and my partner.  Just makes it simpler.  So based on some nicknames and some family history and some things that make me smile, from here on out I will be Rose and my partner will be Vincent.  Now on to Thursday.

So I started the blog on Thursday and caught up with everything that had happened to that point. posted a picture of the new punishment instrument that I made on the request of Vincent.  I was a good girl and did it exactly to his specifications.  Now I am trying to think of a way to loose it without getting in trouble.  In the spirit of submission I made a list of all my transgressions from the last week.  My brilliant ideas just keep getting better and better.  Why did I want ttwd again?

So welcome to Thursday night. There is dinner and some TV and cuddling.  I went to the bedroom on some innocent errand, like putting something on the bed, and he comes in after me.  I was really not expecting anything(still not getting any brighter).  He walks past me and pulls my pants and panties down just enough to swat one cheek of my butt.  Then he gives me the "look" and tells me to get naked and on the bed right now and he will be back(cue butterflies in my stomach).  I do as I am told and just wait.  I can hear him shutting things down in the living room, and I think that the waiting is so much worse than the punishment(sooooooo wrong).

He comes into the bedroom and I can hear him going through the bag where we keep the implements of punishment.  At this point I am silently begging that he goes for the switch and not the new wire loop(yeah that was just silly).  He gets on the bed and tells me I am going to be punished  for all the things that I shouldn't have done(the list is long, very very long).

I thought I knew how much it was going to hurt after the wire hanger experience, I was so wrong.  The pain is insane, not just regular insane but should-be-locked-up-in-a-rubber-room insane, and he wasn't going to be done anytime soon.  One thing that is really good(because it really helps me get the point) is that he talks to me about what I have done while he is punishing.  He continues smacking alternating spots and intensity and speed so I am always caught off guard and I don't go numb.  It just keeps getting more and more painful as he asks me questions about whether I am going to repeat my transgressions.

He stops and rubs my very sore bottom and I am flooded with relief because I think the punishment is done(I wonder if I am ever going to get smarter).  He says I may get dressed and go out for a cigarette but I have to sit on the metal bench while I am outside and I need to get naked and back into position when I come back.
I used to like that bench, the list of things I don't like is getting looong.

Have I mentioned that he is learning scary quickly.  He climbs over me and holds down my legs so I can no longer move all over the place(scary quick).

Despite the length of this blog I need to give you some info.  I am kind of really a spanko.  I do enjoy erotic spankings a great deal, and I have a HIGH pain tolerance, especially with spanking.

Having said that, this HURT, like I-would-give-away-many-parts-of-my-body-to-stop-this pain, or compared-to-this-labor-was-a-breeze pain.  Three qualifiers at this point so that no one believes he is making me be in too much pain.  I am spanked-three-times-and-still-do-it hard to teach, once again my high pain tolerance, and there was a long list of transgressions that even women who don't practice DD would probably get in trouble for.  I digress.

Are you going to do any of those things again? smack smack smack smack


What? smack smack smack smack


What? smack smack smack smack

No, sir.

That is right. smack smack smack smack

Do I have to take away your computer so you will get things done?  smack smack smack smack


What? smack smack smack smack


What? smack smack SMACK SMACK

AAAAHHHH No Sir(told you I was a hard learner)

This is just a small sample, trust me when I tell you that it went on forever(okay like ten minutes) actually I have no idea how long, there wasn't room in my head for time keeping.  The only things in my brain were pain and giving the correct answers.

He moved off my legs and asked if I would be behaving better tomorrow.  Believe me when I say to you that I meant it from the bottom of my heart when I said yes sir.  And yet.....