Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Go Ahead and Roll Your Eyes

When I am not all that into someone, whether I never did or I have lost the love I once had, they tend to get on my nerves.  These days means I roll my eyes when they call, text, message.  At one time it went so far that I would completely avoid them until they got the point and went away. I have never felt that way, or at least responded that way, to any one who I wanted in my life.  I am now wondering if most the people who know always roll my eyes when I call or text, even if they still want me in their life.

The people that are part of my life are the best people that there are.  They are kind, considerate, smart, talented, and just plain amazing.  I have gods that have stepped to earth as friends.  They would not in a million years tell me something that they thought might hurt me.  They would tell me the truth, but not if it was just something that was just a little irritating.  It would have to be a major character flaw or something that would hurt me in the long run for them to risk damaging me.  This is one of the incredible things about them, but it can become problematic.  I will never know if they find me annoying when I talk to much, which I do a lot, or text really stupid things, which I do occasionally, or even the never ending inane Facebook posts.

I don't want to be that girl.  I desperately don't want to be the girl whose friends internally roll their eyes every time they see my name on their phone or when I start talking endlessly about something.  So here are my choices as I see them.  I can forget it completely and just let things go the way they always have.  I refuse to simply ignore something that I know to be a real character flaw, so that is one option down.  I can stop texting and calling my friends to give them some space and hopefully they will see that I am making an effort and I actually may be less annoying, but I don't want to stop talking to my friends.  I could ask them to tell me every time I am annoying, but they love me enough not to do this.

So where does that leave me? Basically it leaves me rolling my eyes because writing all of this and accomplishing nothing is a really annoying thing that I do.

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Addiction and Cancer

I have been addicted to alcohol, cocaine, meth, heroine, oxy, cutting, food, shopping, sex and people.  By far the most painful addiction is people.  Heroine almost ruined my life, but it didn't break my heart.  You need a living breathing person to have your heart broken.

The first person who broke my heart was my mother.  She did it so thoroughly that I built a solid steel wall between my heart and the rest of the world.  I could feel some but there was no chance the I was ever going to be in love.  I formed attachments, but not any that I couldn't walk away from.  I was the queen of picking up and walking away at a moments notice.  I was addicted to finding something new and I left a trail of hearts in my wake.  It never occurred to me that I was hurting anyone.  It never occurred to me that they could be in love with me when I wasn't in love with them.  I left a lot of really good people behind.

Then, at 25, I got cancer for the first time.  Being told that you might be murdered by a disease at 25 can change everything about you.  I didn't instantly change but I certainly grew up.  Then, at 29, I got cancer for the second time.  Everything changed, I saw people as people, I cared what I was doing to others and finally I was capable of falling in love.  It was then that I learned what all those people whose hearts I had broken felt when I disappeared. I started to live with, and deal with the pain and guilt from all those years when I felt nothing.

They told me I couldn't have any more children.  I was blessed with two more beautiful, wonderful, amazing babies.  Having them almost killed me and no one thought I should go through with it, but for the first time someone else was more important to me than me. This is when I learned what real love meant.  I also learned that love hurts, a lot.  I got to feel what happens when your heart breaks.

I am 42, and I was just diagnosed with cancer for the third time.  I can not even put into words how terrified I am.  I have aplastic anemia, kidney disease, and cancer. I know who I am and I know what I want in my life for whatever life I may have left.  Now I am learning what it feels like to need people that don't need me.  I have absolutely incredible friends.  These are the best people to ever walk the planet, but these people have lots of life in their lives.  I have become the one who is needy, high maintenance, and dependent. I am the complete opposite of what I was at 25.

So now I take some space, I look at my life and I realize, it takes a living breathing person to have your heart broken.

Rose

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

Oh That Sound...

I am a visceral person.  Touch, smell, sound are all inexorably linked to places, people, feelings.  It has become really obvious to me in the last week or so that I will never be able to rid myself of these associations.  Honestly, I don't really want to.  I love the feeling that I get in my stomach when I hear a belt come out of belt loops.  I literally throb and get wet when I hear the sound of a butterfly knife.  These sounds bring up people and places, memories of things that I am pretty sure I don't want to get rid of. Some are good, some are bad, but all of them have had a significant part in shaping me into the person I am today.  I like the person that I am right now.  I am certainly not perfect.  There are lots of things that I am going to continue to work on improving.  However, I like me.  I don't know if this makes me crazy or sick, but I don't want to get rid of my memories.  I love the way that sound feels.

Rose