Wednesday, August 13, 2014


Last night a very little thing happened that made me absolutely terrified.  I went to a whole new level of fear.

Vincent went to mow the lawn for his aunt.  This is an example of how he is just awesome.  He really does think about how he can do for the people he loves.  I knew that he was going, and when he does this he usually leaves his phone in the car to charge and I know this as well.  Earlier in the day however I asked him to text me when he got to his aunt's house so I would know he was ok.

Several reasons for this.  He drives a truck for a living and that is inherently dangerous, his car is a piece of crap and I am just waiting for it to give out, and he is almost always home by four because he starts at five in the morning and I just needed to know he was ok if he wasn't going to be home.

Well the inevitable happened and he forgot to text and left his phone in his car.  Then it took him a longer than normal amount of time for him to mow.  So I am at home wondering if he is ok and getting more and more worried.  By six I was convinced that he had an accident and that is why he hadn't contacted me.

I completely freaked out.  I was crying and hyperventilating and I just could not calm down.  First I thought about the horrible idea of a world without him and then I thought about what would happen to me and our babies without him.  I was in full horror swing.  I left him a voice mail cursing him out and going on a full on rant.  (Yeah I know, not pretty)  When he did call me I interrupted what he was trying to say and asked him if he was ok.  When he said he was I told him to never f***ing talk to me again and hung up on him.  When he got home I went on a full on hour long rant.  He had worked since 5 and mowed the lawn but I didn't care how tired, hot, hungry, or dirty he was I was going OFF.

He was absolutely nothing but contrite.  He kept apologizing and telling me he knew how scared I was and how much he loved me and how sorry he was.  I did eventually calm down and we talked about it.  It was very late and we were both exhausted (him from hard work and me from being a complete freak) but we got it worked out and got past the hurt and fear.

So we have dealt with what he did.  It is completely over and behind us and I will not bring it up again.  We have not dealt with what I did.  It was really late and it was not an appropriate time for us to deal with that.  Tonight we need to deal with my disrespect for him, not taking care of me, exposing my kids to my insanity, and my whole general attitude.

My hope is that he will NOT go lightly on me because of his contrition for what he did.  In my mind they are separate issues.  We dealt with one and it is done.  It has NO bearing on the issue we have to deal with now.  I am going to tell him this and then I AM (yes I really am) going to accept how he wants to deal with it.

So either I am going to have to deal with a very serious spanking that is going to REALLY suck or I am going to have to emotionally deal with him letting it go.  I was going to say that I am not sure which would be harder but I am pretty sure it will be him letting it go.  Maybe I am insane.


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