Wednesday, August 13, 2014


Last night a very little thing happened that made me absolutely terrified.  I went to a whole new level of fear.

Vincent went to mow the lawn for his aunt.  This is an example of how he is just awesome.  He really does think about how he can do for the people he loves.  I knew that he was going, and when he does this he usually leaves his phone in the car to charge and I know this as well.  Earlier in the day however I asked him to text me when he got to his aunt's house so I would know he was ok.

Several reasons for this.  He drives a truck for a living and that is inherently dangerous, his car is a piece of crap and I am just waiting for it to give out, and he is almost always home by four because he starts at five in the morning and I just needed to know he was ok if he wasn't going to be home.

Well the inevitable happened and he forgot to text and left his phone in his car.  Then it took him a longer than normal amount of time for him to mow.  So I am at home wondering if he is ok and getting more and more worried.  By six I was convinced that he had an accident and that is why he hadn't contacted me.

I completely freaked out.  I was crying and hyperventilating and I just could not calm down.  First I thought about the horrible idea of a world without him and then I thought about what would happen to me and our babies without him.  I was in full horror swing.  I left him a voice mail cursing him out and going on a full on rant.  (Yeah I know, not pretty)  When he did call me I interrupted what he was trying to say and asked him if he was ok.  When he said he was I told him to never f***ing talk to me again and hung up on him.  When he got home I went on a full on hour long rant.  He had worked since 5 and mowed the lawn but I didn't care how tired, hot, hungry, or dirty he was I was going OFF.

He was absolutely nothing but contrite.  He kept apologizing and telling me he knew how scared I was and how much he loved me and how sorry he was.  I did eventually calm down and we talked about it.  It was very late and we were both exhausted (him from hard work and me from being a complete freak) but we got it worked out and got past the hurt and fear.

So we have dealt with what he did.  It is completely over and behind us and I will not bring it up again.  We have not dealt with what I did.  It was really late and it was not an appropriate time for us to deal with that.  Tonight we need to deal with my disrespect for him, not taking care of me, exposing my kids to my insanity, and my whole general attitude.

My hope is that he will NOT go lightly on me because of his contrition for what he did.  In my mind they are separate issues.  We dealt with one and it is done.  It has NO bearing on the issue we have to deal with now.  I am going to tell him this and then I AM (yes I really am) going to accept how he wants to deal with it.

So either I am going to have to deal with a very serious spanking that is going to REALLY suck or I am going to have to emotionally deal with him letting it go.  I was going to say that I am not sure which would be harder but I am pretty sure it will be him letting it go.  Maybe I am insane.


Monday, August 11, 2014

Finally Defining Punishment

Several things have happened lately that have made me do some rethinking.  First, (mostly for Vincent) I want to say that this is about my head space, how I am made, and what I need.  This is absolutely not about what Vincent is doing or not doing.  Yes it involves the spanking that he gives, but he is not wrong.  This is just an evolving process, and to be honest I have not been very forthcoming about my thoughts.

So the other night I got really upset with Vincent and refused to let him spank me, (not the right choice, ever) then I have told him several times that spanking is not a joke and it feels like that is how he is taking it, and there was a spanking that Vincent thought was very severe and honestly it would fall into the "good girl spanking" category for me.

I did eventually agree to and got the spanking that I had refused.  It was not pleasant. When he uses Z the spanking is never pleasant.  I would not ever put Z into the "good girl spanking" category.  It is most definitely punishment and it always hurts.  I have decided that this isn't about the pain in my butt, but the space in my head.   Even though it hurt and I wanted it to stop I also knew that I needed it to go on so that it got past the pain in my butt and then past the brick wall in my head.  Vincent is kind, loving, and just doesn't want to hurt me.  He is wonderful and I DON'T want to change this about him.  However, for the sake of him and my kids there are things I HAVE to change.  For whatever reason this thing called Domestic Discipline is the best way for me to change. (Why my mind works that way is a subject for a completely different blog.)

Yesterday I sent him a text telling him that I thought I needed a long session over his knee with the paddle to put me in the right head space for the week and give me something to think about when making choices.  Vincent totally stepped up to the plate and gave me what I asked for.  In my head the spanking I got last night with the paddle would qualify as a "good girl" or "foreplay" spanking.  Vincent did nothing wrong.  I have a high pain tolerance, hard butt, and hard brick wall in my head.  Add to that the fact that he is careful that he doesn't hurt me and we reach an impasse.

This impasse is my fault.  Because of my embarrassment and because I am still working this all out I have not been open enough about how I feel about spanking.  I have been incredibly tentative when trying to talk to him face to face about this whole thing.

Up until now the "good girl" or "foreplay" spankings have been on the front of my body and basically teasing in nature.  These are awesome and I don't want them to stop.  However, I have never told him that him telling me to get on my knees and alternating spanking so it hurts (not like Z, but like the paddles or maybe some leather) and fucking me from behind makes me wet and throbbing.  These kind of spankings can and should be fun, they can include joking and teasing, they can include attitude adjustment, role affirmation, reminders of rules, maintenance and some behavior correction.  In my mind punishment is completely different.

Punishment is not a joke and isn't open to teasing.  Punishment is a consequence of bad behavior and a deterrent to future bad behavior.  I should think about it, shudder and vow to never experience punishment for that reason again.  Punishment should not be in a comfortable position like laying on the bed, but something directly associated with punishment like over the knee.  To me putting me over the knee means, "I am putting you here because you are in trouble and I am going to have to hold on to you because you are going to want to run away from what I am going to do to you."  Punishment should include tears, more pain than you can tolerate, marks, bruises, genuine heartfelt remorse, restraint by hand or ties of some sort so I can't move away, and lots of pain in the butt the next day.

Okay, here is the admission that I do not want to make.  The punishment spankings I got as a kid are what punishment spankings should be.  I would never spank my children.  Not ever for any reason.  Kids are growing, they are small, they are vulnerable, they should be able to trust their parents completely.  However, for me, a consenting fully grown adult, punishment should be baaaad.

There are several reasons I haven't opened up about this.  I was embarrassed.  I am still figuring it out myself.  I am not insane (no, really, I'm not) so I don't look forward to putting in place a punishment that fits the bill and know that I will get it at some point.  I am going to be better, and I know that this can work.

Having said all that I will said that relationships are not all about one person.  What happens next depends on how Vincent feels about all this.  I know he isn't going to enjoy truly punishing me.  He is not sadistic.  He has no desire to really hurt me and doing so it going to be incredibly hard for him.  If it is not something that he can do then I will accept that and we will work it out together.  Now I just have to be brave enough to tell him.