Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The Random Stuff In My Head

I love my man.  I really do.  I don't want to be a crazy person.  I really don't.

Yet I still torture him, and it is not intentional.

Last night my man says to me, "Your thinking is more complicated than Physics.  I will still be trying to figure you out when I die."

Personally I think the truth may be more along the lines of me being as complicated as string theory and if he lived forever he still wouldn't figure me out.

Vincent works so hard to give me what I need and want.  I am not really talking about his job and providing material things, although he does that as well.  He works really hard to give me emotionally what I need so that I am happy.  The problem isn't him it is me.

I have been spanked like every day since we restarted this.  He gave up his favorite implement because I said I thought it might be a little over the top.  Then I realized that I wasn't happy with him just using the lighter implements.

I could not bring myself to tell him this.  I just cannot justify telling this man who is working so hard to do what I need so we have a happy home, "No, sorry, you are still just doing this wrong."

First of all I am really trying not to top from the bottom.  I ask instead of tell, and suggest and accept when we differ on opinions.  Secondly, it has only been a week since we started this again.  I am not stupid.  I do stupid stuff sometimes (it is possible it is more than sometimes), but I am not stupid.  I know that we will grow into this and all the bumps will be worked out with time.

I don't want to wait.  I want it to work.  I want it to work now.  I want to feel all the peace and security that will come if I can keep my fingers out of it and let ttwd do what it does.

I don't want to wait, I want it all now. (Picture a petulant toddler with arms crossed, lip stuck out, stomping my foot.)  Yeah, I know, mature.

He says that we are okay this morning.  I feel like I have done damage to us.  Perhaps serious damage because I am not sure he is really believing that I am all in because of my attitude.

This is one of the reasons for this blog.  I am not going to tell him all this and have him feel like I am criticizing again.  I refuse to put another stick of dynamite under our fledgling relationship.  Now that I got this off my mind I am going to suck it up and let things proceed naturally being the best possible wife that I can.

I have heard a million times that the best way to get a strong HoH is to be submissive (awful, evil, hateful word).


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